How Ancient And Medieval Philosophers Would Be In Bed
Instead of taking notes and studying like a normal student, I have decided to memorize my philosophers and what they did/thought based upon how they would be as lovers. I’m sure my Catholic college would be very proud of me at this moment.
This semester, we covered the ancients and medievalists, which is to say that we covered the boring philosophers. Because who feels like talking about Aristotle once there is Nietzsche to discuss? But, because I have studied and thoroughly analyzed their theories, opinions, and metaphysics, I have come to the conclusion that some of them would not have been all that bad. Here’s why:
He would have been my ancient-world lover, for sure. I mean, yeah, he had a thing for guys, but he was a Greek — they all sorta did. That doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t want a woman when he could get one. Now reasons why he would be awesome in the sack (or maybe we could do it at the Academy?): he was an idealist and believed that life was a mere shadow of the transcendent forms. Clearly, Plato had a beautiful soul imprisoned within his body. But hey, as long as he has a body, he might as well make use of it and seek a higher good, ya know? Also, might be able to have a kinky threesome with him and Socrates — or maybe, we could get Aristophanes and have a Symposium.
Sex with him would probably be really technical and complicated, and I am afraid that he might criticize me. However, he was also all about sense perception and using the imagination to create phantasms (a.k.a. fantasies) so… Also, he seemed to think that the sense of touch was critical for human survival. Might not be so bad after all.
Don’t know a helluva lot about him, but he was sort of like Plato so he has to be decent, right? And we could experience the fall of the soul together because our lower souls, controlled by our bodies and sense perception, would mistake our lust for one another for love. Oh well. Better to reign in hell…wait, that was Milton.
Probably would have been amazing! First he was absolutely brilliant, and he fully believed in making beautiful memories as a gateway to the soul. He seems like a sensitive bad boy, and we all know what that means! But then, he found God and started to feel bad about all of his licentious acts and had to refrain from sins of the body. Damn Catholic guilt!
NOT EVEN GOING THERE!
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.