We call it clockwise, not “right.” It ticks without thought nor care. So like the second hand of the minute, to think otherwise I never dared. I’ve spent my whole life missing my own expectations and standards, 26 years and counting. The nightmares of fear on loop are just haunting. I struggle to accept myself despite what others think. All my dark habits are much deeper than my ink.
How can I be with someone, which more than anything I yearn. When myself I can’t stand and my past I want to burn. I’ve been told to forgive and learn, but I’d fail and down the lane of drugs, booze and sex I’d return.
But within an hour, you changed all that. You made grass into sky and blue into green. Beautiful, granted – but what mattered isn’t something that with eyes are to be seen. We agreed on so much, from the ground up through our feet – maybe due to the alcohol but my heart skipped a beat.
I want to be clear. This is not a love story, nor is it depressing. I’m not wallowing in my misery, nor do I need caressing.
I wanted to thank you, for letting me know that someone like you exists. Moments are fleeting, memories depleting. Like Pandora’s box this myth has been torn apart in my heart, and now again I can restart.
I don’t know how to explain this without sounding crazy. And not the productive manic excitement crazy that leads to life altering decisions which bend faith, I had no faith to bend. But now, maybe there’s hope. A wise man once told me to forsake faith. Faith is for those who walk blindly. Hope is for those who can see the challenges of overcoming the impossible and decide to do it anyways. I still have no faith, but you gave hope.
You told me you’re a fatalist and that life is short. One day we will all die. So even if this sounds crazy, I don’t want to die with this inside me. At least this way it’s written here, it’s the seed I’ve sow. I can make peace with that, even if you you’ll never know.