Jack Schlossberg Is My Dream Come True
Growing up with a mother who hails from New England and “bleeds red” (That’s what Bostonians do right? They bleed at baseball games? Or something? You can tell I’m a huge fan), I was trained, soon after exiting the womb, to adopt/blindly accept two crucial New Englander values: 1) higher education is the most important thing, IN LIFE (aside from air, water, etc) and 2) the Kennedys were/are Gods. Period.
I blame my mother and her little list for my life-long obsession with Ivy League schools (though I never went to one, sorry mom!) and my borderline unhealthy fascination with the Kennedys. And by “the Kennedys,” I’m mostly referring to Caroline Kennedy’s heartthrob of a son aka JFK’s ONLY grandson aka there’s a lot of genetic pressure riding on this kid. His name is John (Jack) Kennedy Schlossberg and if you haven’t heard of him yet, that’s okay. He’s pretty elusive and leads a very private life. YOU HAD ME AT ELUSIVE JACK.
So I know what some of you must be thinking — a Kennedy? Oh wow, how original. (*Snooze Sigh Yawn*) And sure, we were all obsessed with the late JFK Jr. and his incredible jaw line. And yes, I am well aware that TSwift has been there done that with Schlossberg’s cousin or whatever. But listen, I’m telling you — JSchloss is different. Not only does he have the perfect ratio of nerdy to privileged to under-the-radar handsomeness going on, he also has one incredibly Jew-y last name (heaven!). And have you seen his smile? Goodbye.
My list of reasons why Jack is an absolute dream is quite extensive, but here’s my abbreviated version. Brace yourselves.
1. He’s handsome, but not too handsome. He’s a less intimidatingly handsome version of his late uncle, JFK Jr. And this is all I (or any girl?) could ever want because let’s be real — guys that are over-the-top handsome are just far too much to handle in real life. Sure, George Clooney is majorly hot and, blah blah blah Brad Pitt is a total babe, but if I were to ever meet/attempt to hang out with an overwhelmingly hot guy, I think I would literally combust. I just imagine bad things happening. I’d take Michael Cera over Channing Tatum any day of the week. It’s just Darwinism you guys.
2. He’s FUNNY. And I am attracted to his witty mind. He’s sarcastic, he’s self-aware, AND he writes for The Yale Herald?! He’s almost too much. JK! He’s perfect. But seriously, read his words and you’ll fall hard too. Or better yet, just watch him! He’s a total YouTube star. If you’re not smitten within the first 30 seconds of this gem of a video, then you and I want different things out of life.
3. His hair is literally perfect. It’s thick, it’s wavy-ish, it’s dark, and it’s clearly not going anywhere any time soon. Those are some strong Kennedy follicles and I’m in awe of them.
4. He kind of has a Jew nose. Jack is Catholic like the rest of the lovely Kennedy clan, but his dad is a Jew who, like most members of the tribe, generously passed along the dominant nose gene. And of course, being a Jewish girl, this makes me feel a lot of things. For one, it leaves me feeling a lot less self-conscious about my semi-Jew nose. And it also makes me more attracted to him? I think it’s just in my DNA to be into Jewish-looking guys. And at this point, I’m learning to embrace this inevitable life truth because “what you resist persists.” No but really, I live in New York now so if I don’t give these guys a chance, I’ll be single until… forever.
5. His hair, again. Did you really give it a good look? Go ahead, go Google image it and then let’s regroup. It’s so Uncle Jesse-esque, I almost can’t look at it directly.
6. He has a really cool mom. I know I’m getting way WAY ahead of myself here, but I can’t help it. Jack is just husband material and there’s no way around it. Can you imagine what it would be like having Caroline KENNEDY as your mom-in-law? I feel like she’s into drinking tea, going to book club, and watching CNN as a family. Which is perfect because those are literally my only three hobbies! In summary, she’s liberal, she’s low-maintenance, she sometimes makes guest appearances on NPR, and she’s always calm as a freaking cucumber. She’s my idol.
7. He’s younger. And I’m into younger guys, okay? So sue me. They’re more vulnerable, they’re still growing, and they don’t judge me for my messy room or for losing my debit card (again). Jack was born in 1993 which makes him slightly older than my favorite member of One Direction but still younger than most everyone else on earth. I don’t LOVE the fact that my little brother is three years his senior, but how about we just don’t talk about that ever again. Okay deal!
8. He’s got serious presidential potential. Couldn’t you totally see him running for President in like, 2032? Of course you could. And so could I. And I also can’t help but think how cool it would be to run around as his First Lady, wearing J. Crew, doing jumping jacks with little kids, and having great hair every single day of my life. Now please excuse me while I go crawl into a ball and softly weep at the thought of all of this unrealistic imagery.
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They say laughter is the best medicine, and six months ago I found myself highly medicated, that is, I remembered how to laugh.
If we are not happy now with ourselves and what we are doing then what the hell makes us think that we will be happy or satisfied later?
I remember the grass tickling my bare legs and the stains on your shirt, and you smirking at my excitement before your tongue swirled pralines and cream into my mouth.
Second semester: I wonder how much coffee it would take to kill someone?