November 1, 2012

16 Ways To Appear More Productive At A Coffee Shop

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What is the issue?

1. Wear a blue tooth. Whether or not you ever use it/know how to use it is irrelevant.

2. Carry a briefcase, preferably one embroidered with a corporate monogram or logo.

3. Spread your stuff out over an entire table. Maybe even the handicapped table. You are far too “busy” to notice that you’re being inconsiderate to the elderly/disabled.

4. Dress in a college sweatshirt. Don’t worry if you didn’t actually attend “Bard” or “Vassar.” If anyone asks, you majored in Anthropology with a minor in Slavic linguistics. That should be enough to get them to stop talking to you.

5. Chain-drink Americanos. Black coffee is okay too. Just be sure to order your beverages in “for here” cups so that other people can take note of your intense coffee preferences.

6. Leave your seat periodically. Ask someone sitting near you to watch your stuff while you walk outside because you’ve just “GOT to take this call.”

7. Bite your nails.

8. Move from your seat abruptly, disturbing those around you, in order to be closer to an outlet.

9. Play classical music. Make sure it’s loud enough so that the guy next to you can hear it through your earbuds.

10. Furrow your brow. Smiling will undermine the serious façade you’ve created.

11. Leave your drinks out on your table. Even the empty ones. This will signal to others that you’ve been working there a while and that you’re too “in the zone” to notice you’re being a total slob.

12. Shake one leg nervously.

13. Scatter manila folders across your table. No one questions the integrity of a person with manila folders. They remind people of tax season and/or doctor’s offices.

14. Type ferociously. Your typing should be audible to those around you.

15. Wear your glasses. Or borrow some if you don’t normally qualify for a prescription. Take them off every 30 minutes or so and chew the ends of your frames as you stare at your computer screen and appear concerned.

16. Bring an actual thesaurus and place it at the edge of your table. The bigger, the better. Extra points if it’s weathered-looking. TC mark

Stephanie White

Stephanie White lives in New York City. She has curly hair and horrible handwriting.

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