15 Things I Will Never Really Understand
1. $5 drip coffees. Unless I’m drinking this coffee in the future, like in 2023 or something, a $5 coffee is just a RIP OFF. I don’t care how fair-trade/organic/prestigious the brew claims to be.
2. My astrological sign. More specifically, what significance it has on anything, in life. Especially my love life.
3. Cat racists. In particular, people that have never actually hung out with cats/given felines a fair chance before deciding to write off the species entirely.
4. Really awful beer, like Miller Light, Keystone Light, etc. Most anything “light.” I get that it’s cheap and stuff but disgusting beer just leaves me bloated, sober and thirsty for a real beer.
5. The people who smoke outside of the gym pre/post working out.
6. Bobby pins and how I can literally purchase hundreds of these at a time and still manage to lose every single one of them.
7. PDA in uncomfortable places/tight quarters, like couples who make out in front of me while in line at the grocery store or smooshed next to me on the subway.
8. Fantasy sports. Football, baseball, etc. Is this gambling that revolves around imaginary teams and fake games? Or did I just make that up? I’m lost.
9. Driving to the gym. I’ve definitely been guilty of doing this in the past, but that doesn’t make it any less silly to me.
10. Colonics. The fact that people volunteer themselves to partake in these/pay big bucks to do so is just… beyond me.
11. Aviator sunglasses and how everyone else can look cool in them, but when I try them on, I look like a TOTAL asshole.
12. Cucumber water. I am pro-cucumbers, but anti them taking a bath in my water. I know people find this beverage refreshing. I’m not there yet. I may never be there.
13. How/why multiple Starbucks coffee shops can exist within a literal block of each other.
14. Parents who put their children on leashes.
15. Soul patches and the guys who stand behind this look. I give up on you!
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”