1. Don’t text him. It’s tempting, I know. Like where did all of this confidence come from? You’re feeling really good and it’s hard to explain why. Plus at this hour, all of your thoughts have morphed into hyperboles:
“I only live once! Why NOT?!”
“There’s NOTHING to lose!”
“He HAS to know how I feel! And he has to know RIGHT NOW!”
“No, this is REALLY funny. He’ll get it.”
“You know what? He should BE so lucky. Screw it, I’m sending it.”
Did you just become incredibly witty and well-spoken? Unlikely. Sure, everything sounds effortlessly sophisticated in your head right now. I get it. I’ve been there. But I’m telling you… sending that text is like eating Oreos at midnight — it feels good for about 30 seconds, but the next morning you’ll wish you could just throw it all up and start over.
2. Don’t search “John Hughes movie clips” on YouTube. Just don’t. I know, this sounds incredibly fun and entertaining (because duh, John Hughes was magical and so were his films). But you know what this innocent little YouTube adventure will turn out to be? A goddamn emotional roller coaster.
I have two words for you: Jake. Ryan. Don’t kid yourself. One clip of him slow dancing in his signature plaid shirt will throw you into a hormonal frenzy. And you know what? You’re far too dignified to search for and locate the sappiest scene from Sixteen Candles and then proceed to watch it 3-5 times while crying all over your laptop. Really, you’re better than that.
3. Don’t start a feng shui overhaul. OMG. No wonder you’ve been feeling a blockage in your heart chakra! It’s totally your desk’s fault! How are you supposed to have compassion and feel worthy of love when your room’s feng shui is so off kilter? This explains everything.
But guess what? I don’t care if your armoire’s positioning is allowing bad chi to flood through your entire room, apartment, life, etc. This little (big) project can wait until tomorrow. Really, it can.
Remember 4 p.m.? Where was this enthusiasm then? Start this rearranging and feng shui overhaul now and I guarantee you that you’ll tear your room apart, get sucked into a Friends rerun, pass out on your deconstructed bed, and then wake up to a feng shui-less mess.
4. Don’t play Taylor Swift. The fact is, she GETS it. She really does. She’s whining on behalf of all of us and I swear to God I’m thankful for it. She didn’t just magically appear at the top of my most played artists list on Spotify. She earned that title, dammit.
And listen — TSwift may sound and look innocent, but this 22-year-old songstress should really come with a warning label. Because after 10 p.m., I can only get three notes deep into “Ours” before I completely lose it.
And just so we’re clear, this is quite a normal reaction to her music. This is what she wants from us! Tears, goosebumps, sing-alongs. ALL OF IT.
Ultimately, listening to Taylor Swift late night is like going to get your eyebrows waxed — as long as you know what you’re in for, you’ll be fine. I just recommend proceeding with caution.
5. Don’t Instagram. Or if you must, how about exhibiting some self-control? Because though your red TOMS placed casually next to your vintage copy of The Great Gatsby look just SO effortlessly chic on your room’s rustic wood floors right now, I’m like 99% sure you’re the only one who truly gives a shit.
And let’s pretend it’s past 10 p.m. and you’re not hanging out in your room (congrats!). Let’s say you’ve just “checked in” at that new sceney spot in WeHo and you’re like dying to give that guy you don’t really care about a big “FU” by posting some amazing aerial shot of you and your girlfriends having the time of your lives filtered through Valencia or maybe even 1977.
Well, I have three things to say:
- GUILTY. I’ve absolutely done this more times than I’m proud to admit.
- You are not fooling a single social medialized soul. We’re all well trained and we get that you’re dying for some virtual acknowledgement right now. Maybe even a “like” if we’re feeling generous.
- None of us look like how we do in Toaster, okay? So don’t be surprised if the next time I see you I’m slightly disappointed that you’re not as tan as you looked in your Friday night upload.