Worst Ways To Be Broken Up With
The Post-Hangout Text Message Breakup — “(1/2) Hey, it was really great spending the past three days with you spooning, feeding each other ice cream, talking about what we want to name our kids ten years from now, looking into each other’s eyes longingly… but (2/2) this actually isn’t working out for me. Don’t hate me?” Bitch, don’t waste someone’s data plan just because you’re too much of a douchenozzle to break up with them face-to-face. Everyone knows if you’re going to break up with someone via text, you need to start acting like a jerk at least three weeks in advance. Get it together.
The Clueless Breakup — You know those breakups that you’re completely blindsided by? It’d be less shocking to find out that all five of Mitt Romney’s sons are, in fact, straight. (If you hate the political reference, replace “Mitt Romney’s sons” with One Direction.) The Clueless breakup comes out of nowhere and is way harsh, Tai :(
The No Call, No Show Breakup — No call, no show is just what it sounds like. You just kind of fade away, like Emilio Estevez’s acting career. But honey, no call, no show is something you do when you want to quit your high school job, not when you’re ending a romantic relationship. No props for keeping it retro.
The OH NO YOU DIDN’T Cheating Breakup — Cheating on someone with the sole intention of destroying the relationship is evil. More evil than that, is cheating with one of the following (in no particular order): your ex, their ex, estranged family, paid company, or best friends. If you’re guilty of this one, you get a serving of OH NO YOU DIDN’T with a side order of side-eye.
The Post-Coital Breakup — Breakup sex is something both people have to agree to. You can’t just go in there and sneakily acquire the breakup sex and then notify the person that it’s over once you’ve come. “That was amazing… but you’re not. Hope we can be friends someday!” For shame.
The Passive Breakup — Whether motivated by fear, indifference, or sheer laziness, the person who desires a breakup plants seeds of discord until they sprout into “I am the worst boyfriend/ girlfriend ever” trees, at which point a breakup is initiated by the person who didn’t actually want the relationship to end in the first place. Noble!
The Passive Breakup (With a bonus!) — This is when the person who sat idly by while their ex did the dirty work steals credit for the breakup when recounting the story for friends, strangers, and anyone who’ll listen. When they recall the dissolution of the relationship they’ll say, “I broke up with her,” but what they mean is, “I have zero figurative balls, but would like to give people the impression that I actually have all the balls.” -1293918 breakup points for you, pussy cat.
A | A | A
If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”