Jobs I Wanted, Based On Their Portrayal In 90s TV Shows & Movies
Central Perk Waitress, as seen on Friends
As a certified clumsy person, serving hot drinks wasn’t ever particularly enticing to me and I never dreamed I’d be qualified to do so until I watched Rachel Green butcher it again, and again, and again. If her uncoordinated self could waitress, so could I! It’s not even like I had aspirations to become a server, I just wanted to earn a Manhattan living-wage while hanging out with my friends 24-7 and being completely terrible at my job. I’ve since come to realize that a) this is unrealistic b) Rachel had sympathetic parents and potentially, a trust fund.
Investigative Reporter, as seen in Never Been Kissed
Maybe I’m biased because I had a decent high school experience, but I feel like I would’ve begged to go back in time to figure out where the party’s at. Do you know how hard it becomes to find weed once you graduate into real life? I’d be kissing the ground if my employer sent me back to high school. It’s unfortunate that Josie Grossie suffered an emotional meltdown for what could’ve been a pretty rad assignment.
“Summer Employee” as seen on Hey Dude
I’m going to be honest — I hardly remember any of the tasks that were expected of the Hey Dude staff. I was just obsessed with the ranch life (again, as portrayed on television). It appealed to me for three reasons: I grew up in a city and the only horses I’d ever seen were attached to buggys that circled Central Park; I’ve always been a fan of plaid; I was pretty much obsessed with Ted. I loved Ted. I would’ve hung out in horse shit all day for Ted. (Ted, by the way, is David Lascher — also known as Sabrina the Teenage Witch‘s boyfriend Josh.)
Executive Administrative Assistant, as seen in Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead
I’ve been an ‘Executive Administrative Assistant’ before, and it’s nowhere near as chic as Sue Ellen’s fashion job. Still, before reality set in, I was obsessed with her job at General Apparel West — particularly with how whatevs they were with their petty cash. I aspired to spend the fuck out of some petty cash. I’d be right on top of that, Rose.
Video Store Clerk, as seen on Dawson’s Creek
I was basically interested in this position because all it entailed was watching movies, hitting on your teacher, and gossiping with your best friend. Seriously, did Pacey or Dawson ever leave the counter for any reason? The returned videos seemed to stock themselves. Other job perks: you were allowed to put your feet up on the counter and it seemed like a decent place to pick up tail — at least, if you’re into older women.
Music Store… Person, as seen in Empire Records
I’m almost convinced that Empire Records was filmed as part of a conspiracy to get teenagers off their asses and into the workforce. Because really, who didn’t want to work at that jam? You could steal money, have sex with famous musicians, shave your head in the bathroom, get high, hang on the roof, play air guitar, hire shoplifters, throw fundraisers… pretty much whatever you wanted. Not to mention that every employee was smokin’ hot. Rexy had nothing on them.
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“Though the Scarlet Letter has changed over the years, the victims are still the same.”
Miranda always had a boyfriend, and she was prettier than me, and had an actual plan for her life. I wanted him because she liked him, and I knew that I could get him, and that she couldn’t.
Stay confident in knowing that you made the right decision. Your wallet may be crying and your apartment may be sketchier than an undergraduate drawing class, but dammit your memoir is going to be wonderful one day.
Whether you pray to God, Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, the sun gods, or any one else is entirely between you and that entity.