Confidentiality Agreement For Bartenders
By Thoughtis
It is understood and agreed to that the Discloser (________________) and the Bartender (________________) would like to exchange certain information that may be considered confidential. To ensure the protection of such information and in consideration of the agreement to exchange said information, the parties agree as follows:
1. The confidential information to be disclosed by Discloser under this Agreement (“Confidential Information”) can be described as and includes:
Going into uncomfortable detail regarding the Discloser’s personal finances or lack thereof (“Strategic Planning for the Pitiful”)
Talking indiscriminate trash about an ex with whom the Bartender may be platonically familiar (“Going HAM”)
Informing the Bartender that, while he is an excellent bartender, “[(“The Nightmare”)] you work with is an asshole, why does he still work here? I’m here every night of the week and he never buys me back. He doesn’t even know my name. You should fire him” (“Being the Change You Want To See in the Bar”)
Recounting that time the Discloser had to urinate on themselves because there really was no other option (“Keeping Warm”)
Requesting every price of comparable liquor brands before settling on the most cost-efficient order (“Suze Ormaning”)
Making empty threats directed toward a non-present party (“Psychotic Boss”) to quit job if Psychotic Boss doesn’t begin to respect the Discloser and all that the Discloser brings to the company, I mean come on, it’s been three years without a promotion, this shit is ridiculous already (“Middle-Management Dementia”)
Unveiling shocking, terrifying details of Discloser’s completely fucked-up upbringing (“Dysfunction Vomit”)
Offering sexually explicit favors in exchange for free alcohol (“Being Resourceful”)
2. Bartender should assume that the following observed, non-verbal disclosures fall under the umbrella of Confidential Information:
Spontaneous crying (“Beer Tears”)
Unbecoming harassment of the DJ for not playing ‘better music’ (“Backseat DJing”)
Hooking up with someone whom the Discloser has known for three or less minutes (“Speed Dating”)
Pretending to be engaged with a thought-provoking digital composition (“Blog”) on the Discloser’s iPhone to obscure the fact that they are drinking at a bar alone (“Being in Your 20s”)
Falling in a manner that might be described as ‘epic’ or ‘mortifying’ or both (“Eating Shit”)
Ordering food via delivery and shamelessly eating it at the bar while others look on in terror and amusement (“Bar Bingeing”)
3. Bartender shall use the Confidential Information only to evaluate if Discloser is deserving of buy backs (“Sad and Pitiful”) or will likely need to be forcibly removed from the premises later in the evening (“I Saw This Coming When She Started Talking About Her Ovarian Cysts.”)
4. Under no circumstances should the Bartender disclose Confidential Information in the case that an attractive third-party (“Hot Bar Patron”) indicates that they may be sexually interested in (“DTF”) the Discloser. Nor should the Bartender share Confidential Information in the name of amusing his co-workers, particularly The Nightmare. In fact, the Bartender should not disclose any of the Confidential Information unless subpoenaed by a court of law.
5. If there is a breach or threatened breach of any provision of this Agreement, it is agreed and understood that the Discloser will begin to tip the Bartender a minimum tip they find ethically reasonable (“$1 per Drink”) and perhaps start frequenting the bar during The Nightmare’s shift instead because, stingy as he may be, he probably keeps his mouth shut when someone offers him a nip slip (“Payment”) or tells him about the questionable mole they found on their lower back (“Ass”); at least the Nightmare does not feign friendship or personal interest of any sort in exchange for money, like some liquor-wielding prostitute.
WHEREFORE, the parties acknowledge that they have read and understand this agreement and voluntarily accept the duties and obligations set forth herein.
Recipient of Confidential Information: ________________
Address: ________________
City, State, & Zip: ________________
Signature: ________________
Date: ________________
Discloser of Confidential Information: ________________
Address: ________________
City, State, & Zip: ________________
Signature: ________________
Date: ________________