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You had a happy relationship with Friendster in 2002, but he began losing it when his friends graduated on to bigger and better things — like college, or MySpace. When you eventually left him, Friendster moved to Southeast Asia for a fresh start and, as it happens, made a pretty decent life for himself out there. He was your first so you kind of miss him, but you secretly hope he never resurfaces — god only knows what he could do with those artsy self-portrait photos you were so fond of taking back then.
You date Klout because it seems like everyone you know is talking him up and hanging with him and like, you’re bored and curious and here’s someone who may or may not be interesting, so why not? Thing is, you can’t make sense of anything Klout says, or why he’s saying it, or if it’s relevant or not. And as if that’s not bad enough, Klout is either totally disingenuous and pandering, or completely naïve — I mean, you told him a story about the Vermont Cheesemakers Festival one time and he’s all awestruck and telling you you’re some sort of cheese influencer, give me a break.
Instagram is all about keeping up appearances. You haven’t slept together in months, but you’re mistaken if you think he won’t wake you up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday to take you to wine-tastings and dog shows and to like, lounge around in a gorgeous poppy field (his words, not mine). He won’t walk next to you in public unless you’re wearing makeup and some sort of hair gel or wax. You once mentioned checking out an art exhibit in an actual museum but he eschewed the idea, instead proposing that you take a Yelp-reviewed walking tour around a recently gentrified neighborhood hunting for street art instead. It’s more authentic that way.
Spotify Free is more of a f-ck buddy who’s trying to work his way into becoming your boyfriend. He gives you mostly everything you’d want out of a relationship, though on certain occasions you become aware that he’s holding back (the Beatles, Guns ‘N’ Roses), perhaps in a bid to punish you for keeping him at arm’s length. While this arrangement mostly works in your favor (why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, amiright?) you often have to put up with his shameless self-promotion and boring ass stories that seem to serve only to interrupt and contextualize your good time together.
Turntable is a fun dude who’s easy to kill time with, but he’s also a goddamn music nazi who won’t give you but three minutes to listen to a song that maybe you happen to enjoy, his taste being much more refined than yours and all and sure, you can listen to your stupid douchey little song but after that? Keep your hands off of the radio dial. Dick drives this car, not pussy.
StumbleUpon is the guy you blow off friends and quit your job for, so endlessly fascinating is he. You’ll run into him on your way to lunch with a business contact and end up so immersed in his collection of breathtaking photos and never before seen TED talks that you’ll completely forget about any productive plans you had in place. You’re addicted, you sprung b-tch. It’s apt to say you’re losing the power struggle in this relationship. Not to fear, though — eventually you’ll move on when he starts repeating himself. How many times is he going to tell you about the history of the Flower Power movement?
If you want to date a jealous and possessive freak, hit up FourSquare. Not only does he make a point of knowing where you are at all times; he will — seemingly at random — commit egregious Public Displays of Affection (and I use the term ‘affection’ loosely here). In conversation with friends and acquaintances, he’ll mention how many times he made you cum that week, refer to himself as the mayor of your vagina, and — to your horror — casually mention the totally screwed up reward system the two of you have going — you are completely transparent re: your whereabouts, he buys you things (granted, they’re usually things you didn’t want or ask for, like a side of tator tots or something, but beggars, choosers, etc). You know it’s wrong, but you grew up kind of poor and you really, really like free things.
LinkedIn is a divorced Silver Fox who’s old enough to be your father. Your friends make fun of you for dating him, but they’ll let him pay for dinner should the occasion arise.
If your inner child could see you now, they would weep with the virulence of learning that Santa doesn’t exist. While you’re on your daily quest for fiber and regularity, remember that ghost of your innocence and mix it up every once in a while.