Reasons To Break Up, According To Saved By The Bell
1. Your chauvinistic pig of a boyfriend refuses to go to the ballet with you.
2. While dating someone who loves you, you fall for your hunky boss, who’s in college, and sure, you’ve only known him for like, two days, and yeah he’s your boss, but he’s pretty dreamy so… what boyfriend?
3. The summer has come to an end, and while your seasonal affair was hot and full of Fourth of July-themed costumes, pre-Skype teenagers don’t do the bicoastal long distance dating thing.
4. All you do is fight. You have nothing in common with each other; no one even knows why you started dating in the first place. What, because you got locked in the furnace room during a school dance once? Give it a rest, already.
5. A middle-class, dorky nice guy has shown some interest in you, which is preferable to the rich, dorky asshole you’re currently dating.
6. Your ex and all of your friends spot your hunky college boss boyfriend cheating dancing with another girl at The Attic.
7. You pretended to be someone else in order to snag some intellectual dude, which goes well for all of three days before you realize that pretending to read is more work than actually reading and gave up altogether.
8. You meet a random princess while on vacation and ask her to be your girlfriend, then realize that you’re like… 16 years old and have to go back home to California. She called you an American Cheesecake or something; it was cute.
9. The role of ‘cute homeless girl’ never materialized into something more long term, neither did the relationship.
10. You come to learn that your disproportionately attractive other half is a gold digger who’s after your money and your pasta sauce recipe.
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In 2005 my father went to the doctor complaining of chest pain. The doctor assured him it was heartburn and sent him home with Tums and no further testing. My father came home and died of a heart attack later that day.
After a couple of hours, I had acquired a large frigate with like 40 cannons on it; I thought, ain’t no sucka running up on me.
New York City used to be mine. It’s a lot of peoples. Like the guy who is always out there at 6am selling fruit on the corner of 31st and 3rdAvenue.
Employing the word “soulmate” in casual conversation, as if that wasn’t the linguistic equivalent of coughing up glitter on someone in the middle of a sentence.