August 5, 2011

Manhattan Neighborhoods In Six Words Or Less

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What is the issue?
A combination of egocentrism and overzealous real estate agents has led to an overabundance of Manhattan neighborhoods. Here’s a guide to the most popular of them, created with the Attention Deficit Generation in mind.

Marble Hill – Basically the Bronx

Inwood – So far away, why bother

Washington Heights – Good to know Spanish here

Morningside Heights – Columbia trying to make ‘SoHa’ happen

Sugar Hill – Bougie, once upon a time

East Harlem – Sneaker capital of the world

Upper East Side – Old people love it

Upper West Side – Your nanny and kids love it

Columbus Circle – Tenth circle of hell

Rockefeller Center – No one lives here, I hope

Diamond District – Not as fun as it sounds

Theater District – Overdressed people with no style

Turtle Bay – Home of drink specials and wings

Midtown East – Drink here until you’re 21

Tudor City – What is this, even

Times Square – Nightmare for epileptics and everyone

Hell’s Kitchen – Great place to pick up hookers

Garment District – Better name: Bedazzled Ringer-Tee Row

Herald Square – There’s a Macy’s and other stuff

Koreatown – Korean BBQ and karaoke FTW

Murray Hill – Frat boys graduate then move here

Union Square – Wallet hasn’t been stolen? Go shopping

Kips Bay – “It’s a hell of a town”

NoMad – Nickname never stuck, mark as ‘Irrelevant’

Chelsea – Homophobic need not apply

Flatiron District – Looking for SVA? Check American Apparel

Stuyvesant Town – You’ll get lost here if stoned

Meatpacking District – Avoid roofies in your $18 cocktail

Alphabet City – Most expensive place to get stabbed

East Village – Score ramen, a tattoo, or heroin

Little Italy – There are some Italian flags here

Greenwich Village – You can’t afford that townhouse, sorry

West Village – NYU and lots of blue hair

Lower East Side – Narrow bars; be skinny to enter

SoHo – Don’t wear heels here

Chinatown – ‘No smoking’ in bars doesn’t apply

TriBeCa – Celebrities live here, for some reason

South Street Seaport – Where the best buskers perform TC mark

image – CJ Isherwood
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