Ten Ridiculous Lines From Cover Letters I Wrote

By Thoughtis

May 2008. The recession was looming, the presidential race was heated, and I was a recent college graduate. Exciting times! And exhausting times. After my internship-to-employment plan was foiled, I needed work – and fast. It was that or move home. I was disgustingly earnest and applied to every entry level PR, marketing, and web position I could find. While my days as an angst-ridden, jobless youth are long gone, the emails I sent during that time are still alive and well in the depths of my outbox. There is nothing quite as painful as finding evidence of what a tool you were when applying for jobs as a recent college graduate. Here are ten examples of why it took me six months to get hired.

1. March 28th, 2008; Position Unknown

“I have both a Facebook account with 626 friends, and a MySpace account with about 200 friends.”

2. April 4th, 2008; Fit Model

“I’m not the exact measurements, but I figured it was worth a shot since all of my dresses are 4’s.”

3. May 19th, 2008; Freelance Event Assistant

“I helped the planner recruit firemen, invited guests who would actively participate as buyers in the auction, contacted vendors to garner donations for prizes, greeted guests, helped collect money from those who had bought a fireman, made sure guests were taken care of and that no trouble started (as this event was at a bar with a lot of women and alcohol), and generally assisted the planner.”

4. May 22nd, 2008; Position Unknown

“Without further adieu, here are my top fives (very High Fidelity of you, I like it):”

5. May 23rd, 2008; Product Integrity Coordinator

“I am a quick learner and extremely internet savvy (I started posting on the Ty Beanie Babies message boards at seven years old).”

6. May 27th, 2008; Position Unknown

“I have actually been to Pink Elephant before as a patron and was very impressed.”

7. May 29th, 2008; Position Unknown

“If there is something I don’t know, I Google it and figure it out.”

8. June 4th, 2008; House and Pet Sitter

“I love all animals and would respect them as well as your house.”

9. July 3rd, 2008; Beauty PR Account Coordinator

“I’m bright and friendly, and I don’t bring baggage to work.”

10. From the same cover letter

“The internet is like my second home (or maybe my first).”

_____

On September 1st, 2008, I landed a full-time position. As a receptionist.