84 Thoughts Every Commuter Has On The Way To Work

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The transportation struggle is real.

Like many people, I work in a pretty big city. Also like many people, I don’t actually live where I work. For many reasons (a.k.a. the fact that I’m a recent college grad with zero funds and a huge spending problem) I technically live in a suburb outside of the city I call home. Little did I know when I moved home and took a job in the city that I would be voluntarily signing up for the fresh hell that is commuting. Not only do you have to get up at an ungodly hour (seriously, being awake any time before the sun rises is just plain wrong), but you have to fight your way through the bazillion other people doing the same exact thing you are. I drive myself to the metro every day, pay over five bucks to park my car there, and then get on the metro to enjoy the horrors of public transportation. These are the things that go through my head during my terrible hour and a half morning commute that I’m sure everyone else is thinking too.

  1. Why is my car so cold? When did I move to Antarctica?
  2. Butt-seat heater, do your job! Heat my butt!
  3. There we go, nice and toasty.
  4. Now if only I could get the windshield defrosted before I leave.
  5. I guess I’ll turn on my windshield wipers and defrost as I go.
  6. Note To Self: Get up early so I can have my windshield defrosted and seat heated before I leave the house.
  7. Another Note To Self: Laugh uncontrollably at myself for suggesting getting up earlier like it is actually going to happen.
  8. Annnnndddddd of course I get stuck behind the one person going 15 miles per hour.
  9. Seriously, that’s not even an exaggeration. My speedometer literally says 15. How is that even possible. Where are you going, sir or madam? Do you plan on getting there before this evening?
  10. Go! The light is only yellow, it’s just a suggestion! Go before it turns red.
  11. It turned red.
  12. I hate you, silver Honda.
  13. I have no idea who you even are and I hate you.
  14. This is torture.
  15. The light is finally green! That means go. GO.
  16. Time to switch lanes and blow right past you. Bye forever, terrible driver!
  17. Merging onto the highway should not be this hard.
  18. Rolling rolling rolling.
  19. Sir, you cannot merge on top of me. I am already occupying this space. We can’t both occupy the same space at the same time. It’s impossible, it simply can’t be done.
  20. He’s getting dangerously close. Should I honk my horn? It would be rude to honk. Screw it, I’m gonna honk.
  21. Okay, sir, I’m gonna need you to calm down. There is no need to use hand gestures.
  22. Home stretch. Just get to the parking lot and park your car, you might even be able to make the 7:54 train.
  23. Okay, seriously, it is before 8 am. I should not be awake before 8 am.
  24. My car is in park and I am outta here! Who cares if I’m not inside the lines? I sure don’t.
  25. Really? You are going to walk that slow? I’ve got places to be.
  26. You are really gonna take up the whole escalator and just stand there? Do you not see the line of impatient and surly people behind you?
  27. I want you to know if I miss the 7:54 train because of you, I will never forgive you. How do you like that?
  28. Well… she probably doesn’t care.
  29. What a jerk.
  30. I can’t believe I actually made it. The doors closed right behind me. Thank goodness. If I had been a few seconds later, it would have squished me.
  31. Would it have actually squished me?
  32. Does it sense if people are in the doorway and stop closing?
  33. Not worth the risk to find out.
  34. Seat by the door, you are calling my name.
  35. No, ma’am, I did not pick the one set of seats where no one else is sitting so that you could sit beside me with your four bags and wide hips.
  36. You smell like spoiled milk. How is that possible?
  37. Do I smell?
  38. I don’t think I do. I took a shower this morning…
  39. Why is that lady hugging the pole?
  40. That’s not her pole.
  41. Does she even know where that pole has been?
  42. I wouldn’t touch that pole with a ten foot pole of my own.
  43. I would rather not touch anything in here. It smells musty and like ebola.
  44. Ma’am, you can stare at me as much as you want, but I don’t plan on giving up my seat for you. There is literally nothing wrong with you.
  45. Seriously, keep glaring. All that does is make me never want to give up my seat to anyone ever.
  46. Why does that woman with a stroller need to park right in front of the doors?
  47. Literally no one can walk through you. You are not helping. You are making a traffic jam.
  48. Your other child is licking a pole.
  49. This is why I never touch anything on the metro.
  50. Your child also possibly has ebola now. Enjoy.
  51. How is that man sleeping right now?
  52. What if he misses his stop?
  53. Did he ask the person beside him to wake him up?
  54. I would never be able to sleep on the train.
  55. I don’t do cat naps. If I’m sleeping anywhere, it’s like I’m in a coma.
  56. Cue entrance of obligatory couple sucking face.
  57. First off, other people are watching.
  58. Second, just why?
  59. Third, how can you stand someone in your face this early in the morning?
  60. Why are we stopped?
  61. I hate stopping in-between the platforms. It always makes me feel like I’m in a horror film.
  62. I wouldn’t survive in a horror film.
  63. I would probably be the first to die.
  64. Okay, we are are moving again. Good.
  65. I wasn’t ready to die via horror film.
  66. Why do people think it is okay to jam right up against the people sitting on the train?
  67. Like, isn’t that awkward?
  68. People sitting have their faces right at crotch level.
  69. You can’t tell me that is not awkward.
  70. Um, excuse you, sir. That thing you are leaning against is not a bench. It’s my knees.
  71. No, you may not sit on my lap.
  72. Maybe if I move, he will realize he is practically sitting on another person and move.
  73. Maybe not.
  74. I’ll just say ‘excuse me’ really loudly and get up. My stop is next anyway.
  75. Great, now everyone is staring at me like I’m a jerk.
  76. Ummm, no ma’am, I will not move to the center of the car. My stop is next. I will stand right by the door, but thanks for playing.
  77. People are still supposed to wait for you to get off the metro before they get on, right? Like, that’s still a thing, isn’t it?
  78. Great, now I have to push through people and be a jerk.
  79. Please don’t hate me other, people. I just need to get out of here!
  80. FREEDOM!
  81. I’m so glad that’s over.
  82. I’m never doing this again.
  83. … Until 5 pm today.
  84. Crap.
    85. featured image – Shutterstock