Thought Catalog
June 14, 2017

Wine Pairings for Any Impending Impeachment Scenario

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What is the issue?
photo-nic.co.uk nic & Flickr/ Gage Skidmore

The past few weeks have been a real rollercoaster for the White House! We began the month thinking Trump might be impeached for colluding with Russia, but now there’s literally endless permutations of impeachment opportunities! As the time nears, we must get serious:

Which wines are we going to drink as DJT has those sweet sweet articles of impeachment brought against him?

Below are pairings for a variety of scenarios.

Russian Collusion: Riesling

A light and aromatic white wine, Riesling has hints of pee tape blackmail, undocumented meetings with Russian leaders, and a slight air of millions and millions of dollars from foreign governments. Undoubtedly the perfect wine for a Russian collusion impeachment hearing.

Obstruction of Justice: Shiraz

The most likely possibility right now, the obstruction of justice route needs a tall, dark, and handsome wine like Shiraz! The flavor of Comey’s saucy memo is apparent in every sip, making each one more delicious than the last. Almost black in color, there will be an extra irony in enjoying this wine, given how much Trump hates black people.

Sharing Classified Information: Merlot

Merlot is made from thin-skinned grapes that are particularly sensitive to the environment, just like the liberal snowflakes attacking our Lord and Savior Donald Trump! It’ll be a great wine to pair with the possibility that really super serious information was just shared with very bad people who may now kill us.

Business Conflicts: Pinot Noir

Re-enact scenes from Sideways and take heart in the fact that American taxpayers are no longer serving the Trump family business!

Violating Anti-nepotism Laws: Chardonnay

Between Jared Kushner, Ivanka, and whatever the hell the other Trump kids are doing, DJT has managed to bring his whole family to the White House. (Except Tiffany. LOL Tiffany) The Justice Department has been A-OK with these appointments so far. Which is fair, because quite frankly, being able to get a job you’re wildly unqualified for because your rich dad got a job he was wildly unqualified for is the American Dream! But if they ever dig deeper into the legalities of it all, get the Chardonnay out watch the tears fall from Eric Trump’s weird face.

ALL OF THE ABOVE: Rosé

It’s not out of the question that all of the above lead to the impeachment of President Donald J. Trump, in which case we should all just have a good time! Stop worrying about impressing your friends, and drink the wine everyone knows is the most delicious but pretends not to like because it’s not cool. You’ve survived the worst presidency in American history, and you deserve this! TC mark

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