I think at some point of being in a relationship, you completely forget how to talk to single people. It’s like they survived being single and therefore they have some secret survival guide. The secret is wine, good girlfriends, carbs and Netflix. Being single is somewhat awesome, I’ll never say it’s not. But when you poke your thoughts into someone’s “dating life,” “lack of dating life” or “self exploration” – there is no nice way of being supportive. I’ve been single on and off for about a year and a half now; I’ve heard all of these things, and in all honesty, thank you for your input, but I think I got it.
“I’m living vicariously through your dating life.”
Well stop, because there’s only room for one person dying alone here!
“Maybe your standards are too high.”
I’ve been told once or twice that my standards are too high — now I don’t have a definition of “picky” or “fussy” in front of me, but I’m assuming the four key traits I have before going on a date with someone will not fall into either of those categories:
- Regular hygiene habits
- He’s not a robot
- Likes bagels
- An 8th Grade reading level
“You should put yourself out there more?”
Like a sandwich board? That’s what you meant right, wearing a sandwich board? This is especially hard coming from people who never dated in their twenties or haven’t dated since college. Post college is a whole new level- I can’t just make out with someone at a fratparty, start a casual study session and then call it dating. I have to make conversation over coffee with someone I haven’t seen naked yet; it’s a lot more difficult than it sounds.
“Sorry I didn’t call you back all weekend, Boyfriend and I have been spending every second together.”
“I have this great guy to fix you up with, little rough around the edges but really a great guy.”
How rough and how little are we talking? That last time this happened to me, he had never heard of a razor, was my height (they make men in my size?) and he said and I quote “I never pay for a lady on the first date because I’m a feminist.” Rough barely begins to describe it.
“I seriously wish I could still be single sometimes!”
You say that because you have obligations to another person, a person who has those same obligations to you. When you’re sick you have someone to pick up medicine, rub your back, and watch Toddler and Tiaras with you. I call on the fridge to dance like in Beauty and the Beast. And what about when you need a ride to the airport, do you know how much that parking is? Ridiculous, nope, you don’t miss it.
“Oh! I totally forgot, I also invited Boyfriend to join us for drinks!”
Oh, I completely forgot, I contracted yellow fever since you sent that text. Actually, I would hopefully love your boyfriend and think he’s as great as you do but I think that without seeing him every time I see you. Watching the two of you being adorable together means I drink faster and more. It’s science.
“If you stop looking, it’s just going to happen.”
I play this game with my car keys at least once a week and believe me, that’s not how it works. And how can you be the same person who told me to be out there more and then tells me to stop looking? It’s like being the Helen Keller of the dating world.
“Why do you think you’re single?”
…this is why I drink wine alone sometimes.