October 14, 2016

I Knew He Was Leaving But I Fell In Love Anyway And It Was The Most Liberating Experience Of My Life

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via Lookcatalog
via Lookcatalog

We always dream for a perfect ever after.

Ever wondered what it is to date someone you know is going to leave?

Would you put your heart in such a vulnerable position?

Even after so many break-ups, would you dare to put yourself in that position?

I did and what I learnt was the most liberating experience in my life.

It was a social event in the start of the winter and even though he was too cute, I had no intention of wearing my heart on sleeve for a guy I knew was going to leave in next 4 months. I knew I will keep it casual and so did he. He was going back to his country as soon as he finished his studies. We were both matured mid-twenties head-strong individuals who knew what they needed to do. When we left the event, we were all very drunk and he dropped me to my friend’s place with a lingering kiss and with a promise to call me the next day. At that point of time, I was very prepared for him not calling me at all (we all know about drunk promises).

He called the next day and we went on out first date. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other and I felt like being in high school again kissing on the beach for hours. Things went to bedroom in a few dates and both of us wanted to keep it that way. Cutting the chase was probably a bit difficult for both of us came from a conservative background. While I was loving my exotic orgasms, I reminded myself repeatedly not to fall for him. We both kept super-busy with our assignments and classes and we used to meet after dinners. I would call them booty calls but we always slept in. The warmth of his body on those winter nights felt like a bliss. I even though I knew it was not going to last, I wanted to remember it for what it was worth.

One day he asked me if we can go out for dinner. I asked him if it was a date and he said “maybe”. I have been there, done that and did not want to get my hopes high. We did go for the dinner and a lovely walk after that. We talked for hours listening to the street music and sipping coffee on that cold night. At the end of the night he said, “This was the best winter of my life yet” and strangely enough I felt the same.

The next morning, I thought, what is a relationship? Does it have to say formally that it is a relationship? Is the tagline more important than the feelings? This did not feel any less than a relationship. I thought I would never pop that question and ruin what it is. I was scared to lose whatever we had.

He was going for a month long trip and I was not happy about it. I knew I had too less time to spend with him and a month long trip would make it even shorter. We decided that we are going to stay up all night and just talk. Among those sleepy conversations, he said, “I love you”. Even though I hoped he did, I felt the pleasure and pain striking me like a lightning together. He would leave for a month and then leave forever after that and in that moment, I knew I loved him too.

He wasn’t an outspoken guy and that made it even more special. When he came back, we decided we will live every moment like it was the last time we could do things together. We went on a trip to the mountains in freezing temperatures, slept in the car, watched the sunrise together, played with snow, drove for hours, fought like crazy, loved like there was no tomorrow.

I realised, I have never lived such a fulfilling relationship. We tend to think that we have time to make up when we fight. We will wait for summer to go for hiking. We will go for that dance together some other time, we will introduce him to our friends on a different party, but those time never come.

This relationship taught me to do everything today because I knew there probably would be no tomorrow. He moved in with me for the last few weeks he was here and every day when I went for work, I saw his face on my pillow and I wished that the time stood still. I waited for the day to get over to go and talk about everything wrong at work. I felt sad and happy at the same time but it still wasn’t the time to say good bye.

But good times fly, and it was the time for him to leave. I cried and he let me cry. He took me in my arms and said “You know what, its ok to cry” and I cried my hearts out. We did not sleep that night. I gave him a travel journal as a goodbye present as he loved travelling and I wrote a page saying how beautiful the last 6 months have been. No matter where we are, and what we do, no one could take that 6 months away from us. He taught me how to live every moment of the day. He gave me that respect a girlfriend deserves in that one month that I haven’t received in years of relationship. He made sure we did everything we promised we would do with each other.

Love is not about taglines. Love is not about always being together. Love is way more than that. Love is teaching each other to grow. Love is making memories on a cold night that would bring a smile on your face on next winter. Love is the courage to fall for someone even when you know it might not last forever. Love is saying good-bye with the hope and promise to meet each other again. Love is not always about a happily ever-after but happy-now. Love is not perfect, but it is those imperfections that makes it worth.

So go ahead, live and love. Do not let a heartbreak stop you from taking chances. Do not be scared to fall in love. Be vulnerable, be open to new adventures. You never know, you might end up living a fairy-tale. TC mark

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