19 Things That Aren’t Worth Your Time
1. Comparing yourself to other people’s bodies in bathing suits this summer. It’s all about how you feel in your own skin, and staring at other people’s flat stomachs or dimpled thighs is only going to make you feel like more of a crappy, shallow person.
2. Listening to one friend talk shit about another friend, especially when you absolutely don’t agree with what is being said. You don’t owe anyone your complicity in their gossip.
3. Thinking about what other people are going to be wearing for an event when you already know what you want to wear and are only concerned that you might not look as cool as everyone else. (Spoiler alert: You’ll never look as cool as everyone else.)
4. Watching reality shows where the entire purpose is having women degrade each other for public spectacle.
5. Obsessing over how much something costs when you know you can’t afford it, regardless of the price. 20 dollars will not make a difference in your imaginary budget when you’re filling up your online cart, only to empty it.
6. Harassing your friends, over and over, for advice on your circular relationship when you know you’re just going to make the same bad decision yet again.
7. Waiting in line in the freezing cold to get into a club that is a) overpriced b) filled with douchebags and c) playing nothing but Black Eyed Peas songs on a 20-minute loop.
8. Worrying about how much you’re eating in relation to your friends or your date when you go out to a restaurant. If you’re really worried about how you’re going to look for finishing your plate, you shouldn’t be out with these people in the first place.
9. Buying something just because everyone else has one, even though you have to charge it on your card because you clearly can’t afford it right now.
10. Trying to hide the kind of debt you have or how little you earn at your current job with a new person you’re dating. If you end up being serious, they’re going to find out anyway, and then you’ll just be a liar.
11. Obsessing — if you’re a straight guy — over whether or not your girlfriend just had an orgasm. Stressing her out isn’t going to make the sex retroactively that much better, it’s just going to stress her out.
12. Trying to find an angle during sex that makes you look the least chunky/flat-chested/wobbly. You are who you are, and they are having sex with you because of it, not in spite of it. Own it.
13. Staring at your stretch marks in the mirror. They are not going away, and no one actually cares about them.
14. Keeping up with a friend — through messages or phone calls or even letters — who clearly doesn’t ever make the effort in the other direction. If you are always the one who is reaching out and initiating contact, they are not the person you should be putting all this effort towards.
15. Worrying about whether or not other people find your significant other attractive. Your opinion is the only on that matters.
16. Looking at other people’s Facebook profiles for long periods of time, hoping to find something embarrassing or gross because you can’t stand them. They are winning, because you are giving them your time and attention.
17. Communicating with your ex any time past 10 PM.
18. Wondering what happened to that girl you never liked in high school. Don’t spend your time trying to track her down, secretly hoping she got pregnant at 20 and faded into mediocrity. That is evil and wrong and only makes you a bad person.
19. Going home with someone at the end of a night out just because you think that they expect it of you. Dance if you want to dance, and then leave by yourself if that’s what you want. Don’t worry about blue balls, they know how to masturbate.
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Some of these people have a personal style that should have stopped in 1992.
I feel no shame when it comes to belting songs out at the top of my lungs in my car. Alone. With the windows down. I might look like a lunatic that has escaped from the local asylum, but #yolo, you know(lo).
“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”
6. Jameson. Or wine. Or a beer. Or even a root beer float. Have a drink or a treat. You want ice cream? Have it.