1. Weirdly intrusive pictures of your children that you know damn well they would not want the whole world to be looking at if they had the choice/awareness about it.
2. Passive-aggressive posts about the problems you’re having with a significant other.
3. Even more passive-aggressive statuses about how you don’t really care what anyone thinks, even though you are clearly dedicating the energy to write a mini-rant on the subject in public view.
4. Racist and sexist memes you got from some terrible fan page.
5. Updates on a really banal meal that you’re eating because you have literally nothing else to talk about. (Hint: If your first reaction is to tell everyone that your re-heated pasta goes nice with some fresh greens, it probably means you should just take the evening off from telling people about your life.)
6. Humblebrags that are so clearly trying to be actual brags. If something really great happened, just embrace it and genuinely be excited! People are excited for you and there is nothing wrong!
7. The cousin of said humblebrags: Blatantly pimping out your every move in life for a bunch of likes from people you barely know, including making a status update for every small achievement you make throughout your week.
8. Screenshots of some idiotic thing someone else did on Facebook just to humiliate them and make yourself look better.
9. Posts that are cross-posted from your Twitter/Pinterest/Vine — if we wanted to see these things, we would be following you on these platforms.
10. An insane amount of photos of the party you went to last night, complete with photo series that lasts 20 images of a bunch of you all trying to take the perfect “silly” picture.
11. Complaints about how things are going at work, because how are you that stupid that you think complaining about your job is an appropriate thing to be doing on a public forum???
12. Endless photos of your animal that literally no one gives a shit about but you, and isn’t even that cute to begin with.
13. Really ignorant political statuses that you really should be keeping to yourself, because your life is infinitely better off when people don’t know that you think Obama is to blame for every problem in the world.
14. Posts about how we all need to like/share/vote for/comment on that thing of yours that no one would actually care about if you weren’t constantly guilting people into doing something. (Pro tip: If your shit was actually good, you wouldn’t have to be constantly pushing it on everyone.)
15. Awkward rants about something really bad but personal that’s happening in your life that is literally only constructed to accrue “Sorry to hear about that” comments and leave everyone feeling like they now know something they have no business knowing.
16. Photos of any situation in which we can see your child covered with something/performing some bodily function/making an enormous mess that literally no one would ever consider cute.
17. Inspiring pictures of Jesus and kittens and butterflies and quotes from Corinthians.
18. Any status that includes a hashtag, because hashtags on Facebook are the internet version of farting during a long silence on a first date.
19. A braggy post about how you’re up so early and so busy doing things, as though that would impress anyone or come off as anything other than the jealousy-fishing that it is.
20. Rants about how you feel so fresh and clean now that you’ve unfriended hundreds of people.
21. Statuses pre-friend purge that tell people that you are about to remove a bunch of people so, if you are still there after the fact, you are a real friend.
22. Pictures taken from angles and with filters that we all know should have gone the way of Myspace but is somehow still alive and well when you can’t get access to a flattering enough candid shot for the profile pic spot.