3 Spectacular Steps To An Unbeatable Blowjob

Step I

Begin by making out with him and kind of leaning your thigh between his legs. Eventually transition to pushing him into a sitting position where you are on your knees between his thighs. Unbutton just the top of your shirt. Do not undo your bra, as you will need the push-up factor later. Take off his belt with one hand in a nimble, swift, bordering-on-violent way. Maintain eye contact and facial proximity during your destruction of his belt. He should be as hard as an Organic Chemistry final after this move. Lean his face forward so that you’re still making out with him but your cleavage is basically hugging his dick. Move your torso in a slow up-and-down motion. If you’re feeling particularly manipulative and/or sadistic, abruptly stop and suddenly realize that you’re late for something; if you’re in a public place, act like you heard someone coming. Abandon effort. He will be devastated, but chalk it up to inopportune timing.

Step II

When he’s had ample time to fantasize about what the inside of your throat feels like, briefly repeat Step I at a later date. After considerable cleavage stimulation, grab the base of his dick firmly and put your mouth on the tip. Roll your tongue on the tip’s underside. Don’t go too overboard on this move, because that is both a little weird and specific. Then start accumulating spit in your mouth and put your lips in a kiss/duckface position and DISCREETLY let that saliva sort of leak out as you slide your duckface up and down the shaft. This is a strange-looking but necessary step, so make your face parallel with his body so that he can’t see the tomfoolery going on with your mouth right now. Move your hand in tandem with this motion and when your lips get to the bottom of the shaft, cup his balls with your hand so they don’t feel left out. By then his dick should be completely lubricated.

WARNING: By skipping this crucial step you will get drymouth and he will get drydick and no one is happy and everything is dry.

Step III

Congratulations! You made it to the finale.

You’re wondering: “Why the fuck is this so long and instructional?” Because I’m very detail-oriented and also a little drunk right now. So…

Wrap upper lips over top row of teeth like you are imitating a toothless old person. Stick out tongue flatly so it shields bottom teeth. Again, hide your face with your hair or something because you’ve never looked more ridiculous than you do right now. Begin to bob up and down on his dick slowly at first. This part should not take long but if it does, god bless your soul.

If you get tired, give your neck a break and go back to the beginning of Step II while looking coyly into his eyes as if you are enjoying it. If you get really tired, take an extended break by whispering into his ear how wet this makes you and guide his hand to prove it. This provides a neck break and also stimulation for you—clearly a win-win. Eventually go back to the finale and try not to drag your feet about it, as it will be over soon and if it isn’t, then he should be kind enough to throw in the towel.

Once his legs get sort of twitchy or he verbally says he’s cumming or moans or whatever cue, then comes the most important part. While bobbing your head, pause when the tip is at the farthest back part of your throat and make sure he cums way at the back of your throat. This is so it just sort of falls down there and no swallowing or gargling or sampling of the baby batter actually occurs. Let gravity swallow it for you. Don’t spit it out or be awkward about it, because that is messy and just ruins the illusion after all of that neck strainage.

If you want to get a little dirtier, let just one drop come out of the side of your mouth and wipe it away with one finger and then lick that finger while maintaining eye contact. This is obviously reserved for guys you actually respect or have feelings for, because if you do this with a rando they will tell all their friends you may be a porn star. If you’re feeling especially freaky and don’t mind messes, pull it out before he cums and allow the explosion to happen on your cleavage. For the love of god, be careful where you pull this absurd move because no one wants to explain to—hypothetically, of course—their boss after lunch hour why there are interesting stains on your shirt.

Be warned. This formula yields strong results. It was developed over the years through extensive fieldwork and creates frightening amounts of commitment from the recipient. It’s dangerous knowledge and when applied wisely, you can hold the keys to the world. I suspect Monica Lewinsky used this very same formula. One day I hope I get the chance to ask her.

Now get out there and suck some dick!