What It Feels Like To Love An Emotionally Unavailable Man

It feels like you’re a crumbling house, that breaks down a little bit at a time, with each heart-crushing thing that he consciously and subconsciously does.

When he goes missing for days without an explanation. When he stares at other women longingly, minimizing you to a convenient placeholder. When he treats your sex life like an engagement with a common prostitute. When he refuses to introduce you to any friends or family, like you’re a secret mistress. When he tells you he loves you and that you’re special to him, on a Monday, then glares at you like some unwanted cretin on a Tuesday. When you fear displaying any sort of real emotion in front of him because he just recoils and is incapable of making you feel better, which will only make you feel much worse.

When he speaks excitedly about marrying you and starting a family with you, but then ignores your phone calls for the next few days. When you would do anything for him but that is never reciprocated. When he spends hours talking about his woes and bordering depression, expecting you to listen and be there for him, but then can’t even be there for you when you’re strapped for cash and stranded somewhere far from home.

From the very beginning, your intuition tells you that he is bad news, but you can’t really put your finger on why that may be so.

But that doesn’t stop you from being guarded about confiding in him when he expresses (feigns) concern for your sudden bout of sadness. Not being able to explain to him why you have suddenly become depressed and withdrawn, because he is the reason behind your sadness and you wouldn’t be able to explain your shift in temperament without emotionally breaking down. Amidst all that, you still love him. And latch onto the moments where he is present and shows you love. Placing those rare positive moments above the ones which made you feel so low.

You live like this for months, hoping and wishing that he changes. Hoping that he wakes up one day and sees the value of what he has taken for granted for so long. But that day never comes. And eventually, you decide to pick your sanity over him. And it hurts like hell. The tears, the physical pain of feeling your heart breaking. It hurts like you could never have imagined.

You miss him everyday. Think about him every second of each day. Wonder if he thinks about you too.

After what seems like forever, you start thinking about him less. You start making a real effort to get out there and move on. Which you do. Albeit slowly. But the memory of him remains ingrained in your mind. The memory of the abundance of love you gave him. The memory of your unrequited love. And along with the memory is that tiny glimmer of hope. Hope that one day, one day you’ll be perfect for someone who is finally perfect for you.