I remember rolling over in bed and opening my eyes to the view of your starry face. With a million constellations all over your body. I remember waking up and wanting to kiss you but I didn’t want to destroy the way your body seemed to be perfectly sculpted to the bed. The way the sheets fell upon your porcelain skin. I wanted to run my finger tips over your lips until I memorized exactly when they curved up and ran down. I wanted to brush my hand through your hair and tug at the ends to move you closer to me so I could kiss you.
I woke up with nothing but love for you, and I left.
I remember slowly moving my body out of your bed and finding my way around your maze to my clothes.
I remember staring at you and forcing my breath to mimic yours. The thought of losing you seemed too much for me to bear, so I figured that if you lost me, the pain would be much less for me to carry. I was wrong. I remember slowly closing your bedroom door and tiptoeing down the steps. I remember pausing at the door way because I wanted you to wake up and run downstairs to me. I wanted you to call my name and make me stay.
I wanted you. But I did not deserve you.
So I opened the door and left.
I left behind my scent. I left behind my hair tie from the night before. I left behind my favorite song playing on your computer when you open it up again. I left behind my memory of all those nights you held me while I cried softly into your arms. I left behind everything I was when I met you. I left behind my innocence and I left behind my best wishes for you. I could not survive without you and you could not survive with me. I remember the way your lips tasted at 2 in the morning after gas station runs to get slushies. I remember the way you hugged me so tight that I couldn’t breathe. I remember the feel of your favorite white naked souls shirt, the way it was worn in and familiar. I remember thinking how much it would hurt to lose you.
I don’t remember when I fell in love but I did, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t allow myself to break, not again.
I remember meeting you and suddenly being in love.
I remember the 12 missed calls from you the week after I left. I remember the countless times you drove by my house in the middle of the night. I remember the box outside my house with all the pictures of me in it. I remember you moving on to a different girl.
I remember still loving you.