November 30, 2016

No One Knows The Feelings She Keeps Locked Inside Her Lonely Soul

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Ivan Obolensky
Ivan Obolensky

It was 6 PM on a cold, rainy day. The weather was overcast and so was the atmosphere everywhere. A girl stood silently in a balcony in one of the many houses that built up this city. One person among so many.

What was her significance? Did she belong here? In this place, this time? Solitude when chosen can be a gift and when forced upon you can be so much like a wretched curse. But she had neither chosen it nor had it been forced upon her.

She stretched her hands out, the tiny droplets of rain touching her hand. After a few minutes her hands were as cold as her heart had been for so long.

In that coldness, she felt alive.

Everything around her was still, everything was so quiet. All she could hear was the pitter-patter of the rain.

She ran downstairs and outside the house she stood alone in the rain. Alone and eyes closed her mind went through a series of unfortunate events. All the bad days, all the people she had lost. Her eyes were still tired from all the tears she had shed. But her mind was resolved and her heart had been shut down completely. All it did anymore was pump blood.

In her mind, she had never been a good human. She accepted her flaws. She was astonishingly aware of them. There were not many things she liked about herself. But one thing that helped her distinguish herself from others was her sense of dedication towards the people she cared most for. And ultimately that was her biggest flaw. She was so dedicated to make things right, make things work, she never truly learned when it was time to let go.

If someone hurt her, it wasn’t because she was naïve. She could see people for who they truly were but still chose to believe the best in them.

She never gave up. Never. There was a long list of people who had given up on her. But for her, giving up was never an option. Her self-respect had been diminished, her trust broken but she had always given endless chances to people. When she hurt people, she made sure to right her wrongs. And when people left she always blamed herself. She always remembered everyone she had ever loved, ever called a friend with the utmost respect. But what all those years of abandonment had done to her, no one really understood.

On the surface, she was the same cheerful, goofy kid she had always been. But deep inside her, something had died, like a great fire gone cold. She appeared to be a fully functional human but only she knew she wasn’t. She was a mere body of flesh and bones with memories buried deep inside her soul. Everyone she had lost, everyone that left, all those names etched in her memory.

For that brief moment, standing in the rain on that cold winter evening, she felt human. She felt like her heart was unfreezing. She opened her eyes, took a deep breath and with resolve of steel came back inside.

It was a moment of weakness, feeling emotions she had long left behind. She closed all the doors and windows, drowning out the noise of rain and continued on with her lifeless existence. TC mark

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