November 28, 2016

I’m Not Giving Up On You Even Though Everyone Tells Me I Should

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 Yaoqi LAI
Yaoqi LAI

I can never tell if I am pathetic or romantic when it comes to you. You’ve hurt me not once but twice in the past. All signs point to getting over you as soon as possible and yet here I am—typing at my laptop that’s falling apart at four in the morning in hopes that somehow, someway this will get to you.

We were never meant to last. There was a deadline over our heads and both of us knew that but we went blindly forward. Holding on to each other for dear life hoping that the crushing blow wouldn’t hurt the other too bad.

I’ll admit—I fucked up first. I freaked out and I said things out of anger and frustration. I never stopped trusting you. I was terrified of you. You knew me so well and you had so much control over my emotions. Something I thought I had learned myself. I panicked and ran and pushed you so far away that you ran into another.

It stung. It fucking hurt. But I still wasn’t going to give up.

For a moment there we were back to how we used to be. We were laughing, we were kissing, we were having sex like wild animals. And we were in our own world, our infinity, and the future looked brighter.

And then the world seemed to skip forward. And there was silence. And you were gone.

I had no control I had no fight left in me. Instead I cried, listened to music, and listened to the people that loved me as they told me to drop you. To erase you from existence. And how I wanted to, I hope you know I was going to.

But I can’t let you go quite yet. Not without a proper fight.

I don’t want to not hear your voice before I fall asleep, I don’t want to not wake up to your funny memes, and I don’t want to suffer this fucked up world without you.

I thought that because everyone else wanted me to it was the right thing to do. And I hated it. Loneliness had its arms around my chest I could feel its breath on my neck and I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing compared to you. I want your warmth and I want your love. I only want you to hold me tonight and always.

So to my family and friends I’m sorry, I’m not ready to wallow and give up.

To my rock, I’m sorry I can’t give you my whole heart. Not until I know everything is done. Not until I know for sure everything is finished.

And to you, I’m not giving up on us yet. Will you? TC mark

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