Thought Catalog
May 18, 2017

Love Isn’t Meant To Be Chased

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It has been roughly three months since I first laid eyes on Leo. And the rest is history. The funny part of our evolving love story is how random and unexpected it was. He quite literally appeared out of nowhere, at a time in which I was at my wits’ end with the whole love thing.

I had decided I was going to die alone and that was that. We met through a mutual friend of mine right after I had been on four consecutive disaster dates. I wanted to hit my head against the wall out of sheer exasperation. Don’t laugh at me but I had even resorted to handing over the job of finding me a guy over to my mom.

I come from an Iranian background in which it is commonplace to have arranged marriages set up by the elders. This is how bad things had gotten. I had inhaled every dating and relationship book I could get my hands on and did everything in my power to align with love, yet I was making no headway. I might as well have put an add up for an eligible guy.

I would have probably even bought a man if there was a way. Prior to meeting Leo, I had morphed into a sullen man-hater and thereby gave off icy-cold, suspicious vibes. “Fuck guys” had become my motto, embarrassingly so. It served as a defense mechanism I utilized to protect myself from sinking deep into depression and self-belittlement.

Upon being introduced to Leo, I immediately sized him up and assumed he was either a douchebag, a coward, or a psycho. Or a combination thereof.

There was just no way things could be different this time around because I was cursed. All of the emotionally available, secure men out there knew to avoid me at all costs.

Soon after, I found out just how wrong I was. Love can hit you when you least expect it! At twenty-five years of age, I was still single and drained from my desperate attempts to force love upon myself. Serial dates galore characterized my love life.

Instead of embracing my destiny and organically allowing love into my life, I tried to make love come to me when it wasn’t my time.

My entire existence became clouded with finding the right guy and I put happiness on hold until my fairytale became a reality. And the more I became inundated with online dating, romance novels, and singles’ events, the more dissatisfied and miserable I became. I was digging my own hole and burying myself in it, all while consciously believing I was acting in my best interest. Where was my prince charming? What was I missing?

It was as if the guys I was meeting could actually smell the desperation and discontent reeking from me and that made matters even worse. Despite pretending to have faith in the abundance that was in store for me, I had no trust in the natural evolution of my life.

If I had truly believed in the genuine unfoldment of my life journey, I wouldn’t have focused solely on what was missing in my life and thereby sold myself to unhappiness and frustration.

You see, there is no set formula for finding love and it isn’t something that you can purchase from a catalog whenever you please. Once I ceased to beg the universe for my ideal man and let go of my rigid expectations, that is precisely when I accidentally stumbled upon love.

Prior to meeting Leo, I was aggressive in my approach to finding the optimal guy and would invariably try to make a beautiful, enchanting sculpture out of nothing. I was dying to be in a loving, tender relationship and assumed that it would complete me.

All of my problems would dissolve once I found my dream guy, or so I thought. Not to mention that I had absolutely no trust in the fact that it would be my turn soon enough and that there were no shortage of guys out there.

It was only a matter of time before I would connect with a fabulous man but I was not getting anywhere by resorting to urgency and cynicism. All of us are deserving of love and I hope that we always remember that there is someone out there for all of us. And they would rather we enjoy our lives unconditionally until we eventually make way for them. Whether we are searching for a man, woman, or both, we shouldn’t stress out and lose our internal fulfillment along the way.

In actuality, whether our quest winds up being short and sweet or overbearingly arduous, I believe that we have the capability of making dating or seeking out potential prospects fun and exhilarating. Why do we need to take everything so damn seriously?

If any of you are still woefully single like I was, try your best to surrender to the bountifulness of the world. I know it is rather piercing to hear about other friends’ and acquaintances around us who are in heavenly romantic bliss and easy to put pressure on ourselves to create our own love story. Jealousy and envy can also creep in and dim our light-hearted, bright selves. We wouldn’t want that to happened now would we?

I remember feeling nauseous and bitter whenever I would come across couples in person or through social media, always wondering why I wasn’t finding love despite my tireless efforts and myriad approaches. A small part of me hated these girls and I am so ashamed to admit to that.

In retrospect, now that I have thankfully snapped out of being a negative nancy, I want to encourage anyone out there who was in my position to be patient and not waste their blessed life in a state of defeat. Love will knock on your door when you are loving yourself and your life, regardless of the presence of a partner. Attachment leads to suffering and that notion applies to all areas of our lives, including romantic love.

Presently, Leo and I are going strong and everything about our relationship feels so right. Unlike my dating experiences in the past, this one is progressing with ease.

It is reminiscent of a graceful dance, with virtually no exertion on the part of either party. My intention with sharing my personal love life is to showcase that real, authentic love isn’t meant to be chased. Nor is it meant to cause you feelings of confusion, unease, and overall discontentment. I had equated dating and love with consequent heartache, having no idea that I was simply meeting incompatible men who weren’t on the same wavelength as I was.

They may or may not have been fundamentally good people but the point is that they were not intended to be in my life beyond the short-lived time they were present. No amount of force was going to change that. I am not saying with full certainty that my relationship with Leo is flawless because that is unrealistic and simply fantastical. However, I am doing my best to remain unattached to his presence and grateful for each incoming day that we have together.

Once love finds you, you will know it. Have faith my friends and until then, unabashedly love yourselves and get lost in the blessings all around you. Life is beautiful no matter what. TC mark

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