Can we make up?
I know, I’ve treated you poorly. I have put unfair expectations on you. I have ignored you when you screamed at me: “Eat. I’m hungry. I’m tired. Something’s wrong.”
I judged you. I picked you apart, over and over again. I belittled you. I disrespected you. I didn’t value you. I refused to see your worth. I blamed you for all my problems. I fought you, over and over again. I have put you on display, and let others judge you. I let their judging voices get louder in my head and dictate my worth.
I want to say, “It’ll never happen again. I’ll be different this time. I’ll take care of you. I love you.” Like an abusive partner grasping for straws.
But I can’t promise you that. I won’t. I want to. But I can’t.
Because There’s this third party in our life, isn’t there? He’s been like a drug to me. Something I cling onto, because he made me feel in control. His name is ED. And I want to say he’s gone. But I can’t. I never know when he’ll show up or for how long he’ll stay.
But he’s not here today.
So my promise to you is this: I want to love you. I want our relationship to be healthy. I want to relearn all the things that ED stole from me. Self-love. Body acceptance. Positivity. How to live. How to love. How to feel free in my own body. I want to make this work.
And I will work on it every day. Please be patient with me.
Your new best friend and biggest supporter