When I Realized I Loved You

It was July 2012. We were three months into our new found relationship and spending all of our free time in my parents’ basement watching movies and talking about the universe and life and things that we loved and our hopes and our dreams. We were so young- I was 16 and you were 17, but we felt like we had everything figured out. The look you had in your eyes when you talked about your passion for soccer and how you wanted to succeed so badly in your sport was unexplainable. In that moment, I knew that I wanted nothing less for you than whatever your heart ached. I realized that I never wanted anyone else to achieve their dreams more than I wanted you to achieve yours. I wanted you to surpass your expectations more than I wanted to breathe. And in that moment, I knew that I loved you more than anything else in the world and that I never wanted to breathe without you.

It was September 2014. You had just transferred to the school of your dreams, from the school you thought you wanted. To watch you go through that tough decision to leave what you knew and trusted to chase your dreams was hard, but I wanted nothing less than anything that you wanted to become true. I just started my freshman year of college at a school in our home state, five hours away from you. I received a phone call from you one night. “I’m not sure I want to be with you anymore.” You shattered my heart, but still I wanted nothing more than to make you happy. I fought to be your happiness. I fought for a year. I was torn apart for a year. I dreamed during the day and night for you to want me back. Nothing came, but I slowly started to accept that your love would not come back. Still, I loved you more than you could ever imagine.

It was November 2014. It was roughly 1 am on a Friday night. You were drunk and I was fine. You called my phone in tears. Your mother was just diagnosed with cancer. Your soul was killed. You didn’t know what you wanted in life anymore and you didn’t want to be anywhere but her side. You didn’t know what to do. I listened and my heart broke with yours. You were hurt, and so was I. Still, I loved you through your toughest moments, and was happy to see that you still turned to me when your heart was shattered, too.

It was November 2016. I was at a football game with my family. Our team won, and my family was in high spirits, I was at my best friends house collecting my things from earlier in the day. I received a phone call from a friend, “She’s at the hospital. It’s not good. He’s on his way, but she’s not going to make it.” I knew you were dying. We haven’t talked in a year, but I knew you were dying and scared and shattered. I wanted nothing more than to be with you and to hold you and to find that sparkle in your eye that I saw when we were teenagers in my parents’ basement. You were driving from your senior soccer playoff game, unknowingly missing your last one that you would ever play. Something you loved more than life, but you loved your mother more. You didn’t make it you were ten minutes too late. The second phone call to confirm shattered my heart like it was September 2014. I was in pain knowing that you were in pain. I wanted to be there for you, but it’s been ages. I loved you when you didn’t know whether you had anyone left.

It was still November 2016. A week after your mother’s passing, the funeral service was held. You were hurting, and I still loved you four years later. You didn’t expect to see me since it had been ages. Still, I would do anything to be by your side when you were hurting. I hugged your father for five minutes straight and talked about the impact your mother had on my life and how she talked about me all the time. I wonder if she asked about me to you. I wonder how you replied. I slowly find the courage to approach you. Seeing you hurting shattered my heart again. Hugging you felt like we were back in time. I looked into your eyes to tell you how sorry I was and I saw something I had not seen since July 2012- love.

It’s December 2016, and I think I may still be in love with you and I’m praying that somehow, someway, you feel the same way.