I Asked The Boy I Love To Give Up On Me

So I asked the boy that I love to give up on me.

He did,

and it hurts,

a lot.

A lot of people may think that I have no right to be hurt nor to cry but sometimes, you really have you dig in deeper. I pushed away the boy I love not because I don’t want him anymore, but because I love him too much. I love him and I know that I will never be good enough for him.

It hurts to know that you can never be good enough for someone. No, the boy I love constantly reminded me that I was good enough.

He always said that I was more than enough. It sucks when you can’t believe what he’s saying.

It hurts to know that this person thinks highly of you when you do otherwise. I know myself and I know I am still scared. From what has happened with me before, it seems that I am still not ready to full give myself to him. I still cannot do the things that a girl should do for him. I love him that is why I told him to go. I am torn between coming back to him and letting him be. I know I don’t deserve him. Just like what the Perks of Being a Wallflower said, we accept the love we think we deserve.

I miss him and sometimes, I wonder if my decision was wrong. I am in no position to tell what is good for him. But looking at it, my pain will be worth it once I’ve seen him getting the love he finally deserves. I was never good with actions nor words. Maybe, one day, someone will finally give him the love he rightfully deserves. I cannot wait to see him smile as he looks at her with love and passion. I cannot wait to see her treat him better than I used to. I wish I can be her.

But knowing myself, I know it will take a long time for me to be worthy of his love. He hates it when I am so unpredictable. I can’t help overthinking though and it kills me in more way than one. This fear inside me.

I don’t know when my heart will choose him over fear.

I hate the fact that fear always gets me and ruins me. It ruins my relationship with others, my relationship with him. I am fickle minded, he once said.

To the boy I pushed away, please do know that I love you more than I love myself. You are my sanity and my soul. I love you that is why I needed you to go. For now, I want to fix myself, my heart and my mind. I will fix myself in order to be someone who is worthy of someone. I will fix myself for me.

My biggest question is probably my greatest fear.

If the time comes and I am finally ready, am I still the one he loves? Am I still the person who is in his heart? Am I still the one?

Then again, it will not be answered for now. My biggest sacrifice is pushing him away. It is also probably my biggest regret. I will always remember him. I will always remember him as the person that I loved and the one that I lost.