50 Actual Ways To Leave Your Lover
It’s been 35 years since Paul Simon’s “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” hit the top of the charts, but his sentiment still rings true. Sort of.
While Paul was only able to come up with about 5 ways to leave your lover in 1975, experience, advances in technology and, possibly, a decline in maturity, have yielded a myriad of new break-up strategies. Today, we can go further than musing that there “must be” 50 ways to leave your lover and say, definitively, that there are 50 ways. At least.
Here’ s the proof:
- Post it on her wall, Paul.
- Send him a text, Rex.
- Sleep with her friend, Ben.
- Move to a new city, Kitty.
- Or just leave the state, Kate.
- Post her nude pics, Dick.
- Delete him from your phone, Simone.
- Block his digits, Bridget.
- Keep him in the dark, Mark.
- Keep blowing her off, Kristoph.
- Just have the chat, Pat.
- Make her break up with you, Stu.
- Stop having sex with her, Jessic… er.
- Give him an ultimatum, Tatum.
- Change your address, Jess.
- Tell the whole truth, Ruth.
- Just get up and leave, Steve.
- Tell her you’ve “grown apart,” Bart.
- Tell him “It’s not you, it’s me,” Bree.
- Don’t give him a second chance, Lance.
- In a public place, Chase.
- Tell her “we’re turning into our parents,” Clarence.
- Get back together with your ex, Lex.
- Let yourself be the villain, Dylan.
- Throw dishes and yell, Belle.
- Start being mean, Gene.
- Get really quiet, Wyatt.
- Give up the fight, Dwight.
- Get caught in the act, Jack.
- Forget her birthday again, Glenn.
- Just cut him loose, Bruce.
- Pretend you didn’t know you were supposed to be “together,” Heather.
- Tell her you’re married, Larry.
- Say “It’s moving too fast,” Cass.
- Tell him you “don’t like rules,” Jules.
- Tell her you “don’t like labels,” Mabel.
- Just disappear, Greer.
- “Lose your phone,” Joan.
- Text “We need to talk,” Brock.
- Just be too busy, Lizzy.
- Say you “need space,” Grace.
- Say, “we’re just taking a break,” Jake.
- Say, “I think I might be gay,” Ray.
- Say, “I think I might be straight,” Nate.
- Admit to your affair, Blair.
- Get a restraining order, Porter.
- Tell her “It’s me or the drinkin,” Lincoln.
- Fly off the handle, Randall.
- Blame everything on him, Tim.
- Say “I don’t deserve you,” Drew.
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While there are limitless ways to love someone and make your relationship last, there is only one fool-proof, time-tested formula to ensure it burns and disintegrates as quickly as possible.
Don’t get me wrong, if you can get into an Ivy League, good for you, but I also think that there are a lot of other colleges that deserve as much praise and respect as Harvard and Yale.
I started to do lines of Adderall because I thought heroin/drug chic was glamorous. I did it while looking at myself on my iPhone camera, obviously, because how else would I know it was happening if my reflection on a screen wasn’t looking back at me?
2. GRUMPY. Or more appropriately, Humpy.