Questions I Have For Bicycles
How do you stay up? No, but, physics and, but, GRAVITY. HOW?
What are gears? Are they a real thing? Are they like when I felt sick when I was younger and my Mother would give me a chewable vitamin and tell me it was medicine and it would make me feel better? And so, if I am told that you have gears, and I’m all, ‘Gears, yes!’ it is understood that I can ride up ridiculous hills, and it will be like, what hill? Placebo gears, yes or no?
How do you stay so thin? I am doing all the goddamn work here.
Has everyone had a ride?
Why are you so noisy? Aren’t bicycles supposed to be silent? Isn’t this part of the myth? Electric cars, environment, noise pollution something something? I know I shouldn’t brake quite like that when coming ‘round a corner, and there are cars and children and kittens and whatnot and I probably should buy a light or a reflector or something but is it necessary to sound like Kate Bush?
That is not a seat (I know this isn’t a question but, come on).
Really, though, that is not a seat. Go to IKEA, do some research, get back to me.
“I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my biiiike.” Is this a metaphor?
If not, did you let him ride it where he liked? Within reason, obv.
UNDERWATER bicycles. Maybe, one day?
Cars: discuss. Or, see below.
‘Four wheels good, two wheels bad’. Thoughts?
Why are you so expensive? Are you not, essentially, bent playground equipment?
Why are you so cool? How do you get people to like you so much? Asking for a friend.
Do you like me?
Can I call you Bike?
A | A | A
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.