The Real Reasons I’m Not Texting You Back Right Now
- Texting me after 10 on a weeknight is a lost cause dude. I’m watching episodes of Seinfeld on my couch, in my sweatpants, eating pizza. I turned off Social Me like an hour ago, and once I turn it off for the night, it doesn’t come back on until tomorrow, midday at the earliest.
- Because I might get laid tonight and I’m not going to mess it up by spending half my time texting my friends. I need to focus.
- Because I’m not really into having full-on text conversations when I’m at a bar with friends. You should come if you want to. You’re invited. I’m not bored enough to have a veritable Gchat about your day right now. Let’s text IRL, with our faces.
- I’m on a date and I’m actually interested in the conversation. Please stop texting me.
- Ive gotten lke, too drunk to text, lol. I’m srry. Can’t raelly type, its 2 confuusing 4 em rihgt now. Brnch 2morow?
- Because I’m getting tired of rejecting you. Please, for both our sakes, just stop trying. I know this is passive, and I’m sorry for that, but I’m pretty sure my signals are clear. The prelanguage of dating is not difficult to understand. Persistence is not helping you, and it’s starting to make me anxious.
- I’m sleeping right now; the only thing I care about is continuing to sleep.
- Somehow I’ve become so apathetic that it seems impossible to do anything other than watch conspiracy videos on YouTube and clips from the Colbert Report. I know seeing you would probably make me feel better but I like, can’t see anyone now. You wouldn’t understand.
- I shouldn’t have agreed, initially, to going on a date with you. My bad. I understand that this is a completely shitty way to stand you up, but the truth is that your message somehow made me realize that a date with you isn’t a good idea at all. That it would actually suck. It’s nothing against you, really–I just should have thought it out before making plans.
- I’m one of those people who gets cripplingly self-aware when I smoke weed, and I just smoked weed. Please leave me alone. I feel afraid of you. You don’t want to be around me right now, believe me.
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Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.