As I’ve fully settled into this new living-at-home routine (sigh) and my new job (yay), I’ve been distracted from other aspects of my life. As my main goal is saving money and focusing on building myself financially, I haven’t had time for much else.
However, as I’ve- like I said- settled, my mind has been left to wander and do it’s usual over-thinking.
Bear with me, but I just need an outlet because (shocker), I’m not good at confiding in people. I find happiness in the fact that people confide in me, and I believe I give them good advice. But, I’m not great at taking that advice for myself or spilling my feelings to others. I’ve had a lifetime of letdowns that have definitely shaped my views and allowed me to give the advice I do, but these letdowns have also built massive walls that are only getting higher.
Yes, I’m mostly talking about relationships. And love. I guess.
I’ve been single for a very long time, after a relationship that ended poorly and really fucked me up. As an outgoing, confident person, I’ve never been rocked and knocked down as hard as I was by my ex.
I cringe at what I let him say to me and what he made me believe about myself. I never fully healed, despite being VERY MUCH over this person by now. While I am still great at putting on a smile and acting like I don’t give a shit, I know I’m ignoring a lot of deep shit that’s going on inside me. This attitude lead me into years of choosing the wrong men and allowing myself to constantly get hurt…as if I were doing it on purpose.
At first, especially when I moved to the city, I was honestly just having fun. I enjoyed being single, independent, career focused. But I slowly realized that going out all the time and going home with those “friends with benefits” who I was proud to say I could sleep with and not be emotionally attached to, wasn’t an empowering feeling to me. I didn’t feel badass and powerful,
I felt used and alone. I could wake up in the morning, say “see ya!” and head home, but I think all I’ve ever really wanted is to wake up in the morning with someone who actually WANTS to spend the day with me.
I’m writing this now because I’ve really realized this fact over the past year, and I’ve tried my hardest to open up to new guys who aren’t notorious fuckbois.. ones I know (some friends, even) have an actual heart. But still, nothing. I am so emotionally drained from these failed attempts at relationships that I’m worried that it will soon be too much and I’ll fully close myself off.
And, to be clear, ‘failed attempts’ doesn’t mean I’m trying to date everyone I think is a nice guy. I still have stupidly high standards and don’t fall for people easily. But, two of the guys I’ve fallen for in the past year have been great guys… things started well, I was cautious but open, and suddenly.. nothing. It’s like I have a sign on my head that says ‘Expires after 4-5 dates, pull away as soon as she’s just getting into you’. It’s become almost laughable.
The frustrating part is how it’s always “don’t look for it, focus on yourself. Be independent and it will happen,” when I’m down about these situations. I appreciate that advice and I believe it to be true… I’m 100% down for being independent and focusing on yourself. I mean, I’ve had to be that way for a very long time and it’s made me a better person.
But, after 5 years, it’s kind of like enough is enough. I am independent as fuck and it hasn’t lead me into any sort of surprise relationship. I can’t tell if I’m more confused, hurt, or scared.
Have I lead myself down a path I won’t get off? I just need something to give. I’m genuinely worried that I’ll never be loved by someone because maybe, I am unlovable.