May 13, 2014

How To Survive An Impromptu Booty Call In 18 Easy Steps

Report This Article
What is the issue?
Shutterstock
Shutterstock

It’s 11:30 on a Friday night. You’re cocooned in your cozy Couch Fort eating Lean Pockets and thinking about dying alone when suddenly your phone lights up….OMG–Your pseudo- hook-up-crush has asked you to hang out.

1. Quick–You’ve got 15 seconds to decide your fate for the remainder of the night! While you’re tired and definitely not amped to put on real person clothes, you also haven’t gotten laid since Obama’s first term. So get out your flatiron, girlfriend–Because it’s time to get a piece!

2. Text your pseudo-hook-up-crush that you’re out at some nondescript bar downtown, and that you can maybe meet him in 45 minutes to an hour (exactly the amount of time it will take you to become fit for human contact.) Make sure to selectively misspell words to show that you’re tipsy and having a great time.

3. Sprint to the bathroom and turn on the shower — You cringe as you remember that all of your “going out clothes” are dirty. Dammit!! Why did you decide to watch Pitch Perfect three times that night instead of doing laundry like you were supposed to?!!

4. Find that black dress that never disappoints curled up in a sad little ball in the back of your closet. Febreze the shit out of it. Yes, you’re a filthy slob, but these are desperate times and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. As you hop into the hot shower, make sure to hang the dress on the towel rack– Steam is basically the same as dry cleaning, right?!

5. During your speed shower, maniacally wash every possible orifice, because Lord knows where that freak will be tonight!

6. And now for the razor: the most critical tool in this entire operation. Yikes–You’ve been quite negligent with your upkeep, haven’t you! Someone’s got some major landscaping to do ….

7. Five minutes later you realize you may have been a tad overzealous with your yard work. But in this situation, perhaps less is more.

8. Even though you’re clean, you’re still not feeling sexy! Looking around desperately, you find an almost empty bottle of Jameson, and without missing a beat you knock back the remains. Because everyone knows that alcohol fixes everything!

9. Time check—WHAT?! You’ve wasted 25 minutes and all you’ve done is wash your hair and mangle your privates…Time’s running out–KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE !! Wai–What’s the prize again?! —Ugh, Focus! Pull it together, girl- You’ve got a mere 20 minutes to pull out some major makeover shit.

10. You decide that you need some tunes to get revved. Waste 5 minutes searching for your “Partytime Playlist,” but when you can’t find it just put on the soundtrack to Frozen.

11. To save time, blow dry your hair on “Cremation” setting. It looks pretty busted, but remember- you’ve been out partying for hours!

12. Now it’s time to slap on your makeup like a drunken baby. Make sure to perfect your signature sexy-coy-duck-smize-face, and when in doubt, ADD MORE BRONZER!!

13. Suddenly, you receive another text alert from him: “Where are you?? I want to see you…” Ahhhhhh!!! Frantically run around your apartment grasping for items you don’t even need. You’re still a hot mess and far from being hook up-ready!! You grab your phone to respond.“ Hopping in a cab!! :) ” Whatever, he’s probably so drunk that time will lose all meaning anyways.

14. Find your trusty Spanx, and shove your fat ass into that glorious torture chamber. The pain is actually putting you in the right headspace to PartAY! Yeah, girl, Now you’re getting there! “LET IT GO, LET IT GOOOO..”

15. Throw on that killer Glade infused black dress, and find your highest boots that are sure to give you sores when you walk home in them tomorrow at 5am.

16. One last look in the mirror to see the final product: Blurry, but looks pretty good, Yeah! You’d have sex with yourself!

17. On your way out the door, you say hello to your 90 year old neighbor who smiles but gives you an odd glance as she passes. Oh snap –Someone’s jealous!

18. Steps from your apartment you snag the first taxi you see due to your unbelievable hotness. Congrats! You really turned things around there, and now you deserve a night full of empty sex that neither of you will remember. You’re gonna make it after all!! TC mark

Read This