I Fell In Love With You And Then Fell Out Of It

There are days I wonder if I remember your face. There are others when I wish I could forget it. Four years of loving, kissing, and laughing with that striking smile of yours, and now I can hardly recall the sound of your voice.

The last time I saw you was in a room full of strangers, and you were one of them. There it was, the inevitable moment I dreaded for months, the moment that all the distance, silence, and burnt bridges boiled down to.

You approached me in a way I did not expect. Indeed, the fact that you approached me at all was a surprise in itself. I felt the knife that I thought I had buried a long time ago reappear in my gripped hand. I was not quite sure who it belonged to this time. Part of me wanted to hold it out towards you as if to say, “don’t you come near me! You’ve done enough damage as it is.” But then my own mistakes came rushing in to save you. I realized this particular knife dripped the rubies I once promised you, then took away.

I suddenly wanted to place the knife in your hands and proclaim, “I am well aware of how I have hurt you and it was never my intention. I’m sorry, and when we part ways this time, I promise you won’t find this in your back. Not this time.” But the fact of the matter took hold just as you stopped in front of me, too close for comfort. I had in fact buried this long ago.

So there we were, two strangers bound to see each other, and all of our own brokenness lead us to this breaking of the silence, “how have you been?”

“Good.”

“Good.”

Our smiles were forced. Our words were limited. Each of our being in that room did not benefit the other. The reasons of why I made my decision all those months ago were suddenly fresh in my mind and for the first time in a long while, I felt peace.

Our jigsaw parts no longer fit each other. I know now that they were never meant to. Our edges have eroded and it was all too clear that we put the pieces of our hearts back together differently. Maybe if I see you again I will know the right words to say or the right moves to make. Perhaps the right move will be to say nothing at all.

But until then, in case you are reading this, just know I am not sorry that it is over, but I am incredibly sorrowed for I let it end. I wish you well and I wish you happiness. I wish you growth and peace.

Before I saw you, I wondered after all that had happened between us, if I would recognize you.

I didn’t.

And that, my old friend, was the biggest relief of all.