Eating Disorder Logic
Isolate yourself from them when you can’t fathom going out and doing anything that might involve food consumption or exposing your grotesque body. They will become used to your erratic behavior and insist that you are beautiful and perfect the way you are. They are lying. Eventually, the constant aloofness will probably cause you to alienate yourself into a friendless maniac.
Lie to them enough so they won’t be so concerned. They’re the people you will hurt the most. Your parents will age prematurely from endless worrying and guilt, and your disorder will become the basis of many family problems. Learn to become insensitive and calloused toward them so they won’t care about you as much.
Something you are not worthy of until you are X number of pounds. Something that can’t be accepted or reciprocated because all you are capable of feeling is self-loathing.
Forget about it. It’ll most likely no longer be enjoyable. Your body won’t produce enough hormones to ever feel like doing it. Besides, it’ll hurt because of your protruding bones and atrophied muscles.
Since your eating disorder is your number one priority, you can’t really take school too seriously. Prepare for your grades to suffer. You might even drop out of college. It’s very difficult to focus on anything else when all you can think about is food and calories. The added stress of school will only exacerbate your disorder.
It’s overrated and entirely too hard to have because of the permanent grey cloud of anxiety looming over your head. You will forget what it felt like to be carefree. Going out becomes a chore. On the other end of the spectrum, having fun might be a form of escapism from the constant negative self-talk going on in your head. You might get into drugs, particularly ones that dull the aforementioned talk or suppress your appetite. Try not to smoke weed because it makes you hungry.
Call in sick when you have no energy. If you work in the food service industry, you’re lucky enough to binge on free food at your work that you can later purge. You’ll probably be exhausted from the energy expenditure having a job requires, but who else will buy your diet pills for you?
Looking dead is totally in these days. You’ll have the stamina of a person in their seventies. Your hair will fall out. Your teeth will turn yellow, and your breath will always smell. Your skin will turn an unfortunate yellowish grey color, and the whites in your eyes will lose their sheen. You’ll be constipated and tired all the time. It sounds bad, but being healthy is so passé.
This is something to either put on hold or ruin entirely for the sake of your eating disorder. Life isn’t worth living if you can’t be thin. You might end up losing yours anyway.
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Will it feel the same when you tell me you love me over the phone? Will the peacefulness of those words still floor me from thousands of miles away?
I was conflicted. It felt like one eye was trying to look away while the other soaked it up. I felt the heat rise in my face. This was wrong. But it didn’t feel wrong.
Any nervous flyer knows the progression of descending panic: bile, sweaty palms, social awkwardness and self-induced sedation.
I know how it feels when the weight of darkness crashes down onto your chest in the middle of the night, and how you wish things would stop spinning because the axis seems tilted now. I know, love, I know.