April 8, 2014

Working As A Background Extra In A Porno

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Ever since they instituted mandatory condom use in California, many of the porno studios have instead taken to filming in Vegas, where we have no silly health concerns for our talent.

One studio shoots a lot of stuff in this little warehouse squatting behind the Cosmopolitan Hotel just on the other side of the freeway between an indoor gun range and a pawn shop. Who knew all this shit was going down in the shadow of the Vegas Strip?

The production company is known for its parody pornos—they make stuff such as the XXX Mario Bros., Sinderella, etc. This time they were doing the porno version of The Wolf of Wall Street—working title is The Whore of Wall Street. FABULOUS! I was hired as a background player, but I ended up playing a secretary with a line of dialogue—bonus!

Since the movie was set in a Wall Street office, we were told to wear office clothes, so I busted out my trusty pencil skirt, which is pretty much my go-to for any sort of corporate gig even though it has a slit in the back up to there. In other words—perfect for a porno!

Now, unlike other pornos, this one actually had a plot. The star of the movie—we’ll call her Andi Andrews—was the head of a high-powered stock brokerage. She made her way to the top by sucking dick and fucking every suit who came her way, including that of the male talent, a freaky Austrian stud with a HUMONGOUS uncut penis. We’ll call him Dick True.

At the end of the film, to celebrate their reaching some sales goal, Andi Andrews awards her top female assistant, played by a super-sexy actress we’ll call Celine Maximilian, $10,000 to get fucked up the ass by Dick True. Our job as extras, was to hang around in the background cheering them on: “Suck! Suck! Suck!” “Fuck that ass!” “Wooo!” Those were actually lines of dialogue in the script. (Astonishingly, these are very professional productions with fully formed scripts and the action carefully blocked out.)

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So basically, it was the most fun gig ever. The ten of us extras sat around the break room in our 1980s office wear (the movie was set in the ’80s, but most of us just had old-ass clothes anyway, so it was a happy accident) until the crew was finally ready for us.

I had my one line of dialogue earlier in the day—I played Ms. Andrews’s secretary, so I just had to answer the phone and assure the caller that “Ms. Andrews is very professional.”

There was a slight holdup—“Oh wait, we gotta film the pussy-eating scene first”—but with that out of the way, I nailed my line in two takes. I actually thought it was interesting that the director cared enough to make me do it over! Despite what you might think, these people really DO have an attention to detail, and it was a very professional production!

Speaking of the director, he was this awesome sort of Gen-Xer type in Morrissey glasses and a “Meat is Murder” T-shirt—not exactly how you’d picture a porn director. The rest of the crew was just as colorful, exhibiting an informal camaraderie but at the same time displaying an amazing dedication and work ethic. What a cool fucking industry. Everyone was so chill and so fun! I’d take working in the porn biz over corporate life any day.

When it was finally time to shoot the big office ass-fucking scene, we extras were all carefully positioned around the office—one guy drinking a cup of coffee, one guy on the phone, and one gal carrying a file folder to this ginormous old microfiche machine they had dug up somewhere. They did a great job dressing the set with old 1980s computers and telephones. They even had a bunch of clocks hung on the wall showing the various time zones—although in a charmingly lackadaisical fashion, the minute hands were all set at different times.

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Meanwhile, Dick True sat off to one side, maintaining his erection by absentmindedly stroking his ginormous uncircumcised penis through the open fly of his 1980s polyester suit with one hand while checking his text messages with the other. PRICELESS. Then once we were all in place, the action started.

The script called for Dick True and Celine Maximilian to go at it on one of the desks about three feet from my virgin eyes. Before he plowed her delicate anus, they were supposed to engage in a few other positions first, including reverse cowgirl, spooning, and then a brief fellatio interlude. It was really interesting to watch their shoptalk as they got into position:

“Is this OK for you?”

Ach no, it feels like you’re gonna break my cock.”

“Oh, sorry, how about if I put my leg up this way?”

“Zat’s much better.”

Then when it came time to lower Miss Maximilian’s ass onto Dick True’s ginormous penis (I can’t emphasize enough how freakish it was…like a big wrinkly geoduck), it took the entire crew’s participation and aid to get her on there comfortably. Miss Maximilian lubed up her asshole liberally (turning over her shoulder to wink at the crowd of extras watching), and then everyone pitched in to help get her in place. Like they say, it takes a village to film an anal scene!

But when she was finally on there, it was box-office gold! “You good? OK—ACTION!” The minute the cameras started rolling, Miss M. switched it on like a light switch: “Oh yeah!! Oooh baby!! Fuck that asshole!! Pump that giant cock in my chocolate starfish!” It was hilarious how fake it all seemed—I mean, I had pretty much figured that shit was all fake, but seeing it up close and personal (remember, I was mere feet from the action) made it seem even more surreal.

Filming actually had to pause again for a minute when Miss M. had such an earth-shattering orgasm (from anal sex!!!) that she almost passed out and had to take a breather for a few minutes to collect herself. WOW! I had always assumed anal sex to be nothing but torture and pain for the receiving end and that claims to the contrary were bullshit propaganda from selfish men. Apparently I was wrong. (But I’m still not having anal sex. Ever.)

This all went on for about 10-15 minutes, as Dick and Celine went through their positions, recited their “lines” (I think this part was ad-libbing), and hit their marks (they really did have marks). And then, finally, it was time to film the money shot and wrap this bitch!

By this time, we had all been on the set about 10 hours—apparently there had been major delays earlier in the day, as the shoots don’t normally take this long. Either way, by now we were all bored, tired, and ready to get the fuck outta there—the extras were covertly checking their cellphones, and the crew had been there even longer than us, so they were definitely ready to wrap. Now all we were waiting for was for Dick True to shoot his wad all over Celine Maximilian’s face.

The cameramen set up a ladder behind Dick so the director could get a high angle shooting down on the action, while a second camera guy shot directly at jizz-level. Now all we had to wait for was for Dick to bust his nut. As mentioned, he had been maintaining his erection all day by stroking himself, and he’d done an amazing job, as his rod was ever ready for action. But now he had to take himself over the edge, which took a little extra special stroking.

Can you imagine being in a room full of people—10 extras, two featured talent, plus about 15 crew members—all bored and tired and impatiently waiting for you to bust your nut? To make matters worse, one of the cameramen informed him that he only had a few minutes of battery time left on his camera, so he had to hurry! Talk about pressure!

But Dick True was a pro—he closed his eyes, scrunched up his face, and concentrated on whatever it was that floated his particular boat…roomful of gawkers or no. After a few minutes he grunted, “OK, I’m ready!” Everyone jumped into action: cameras started rolling, Celine Maximilian got to her knees in front of him, and then it happened: Thick, gooey streams of Austro-Hungarian jizz coated the face and chest of Miss M., who smiled and moaned and lapped it up like it was a white-chocolate fountain at a Bar Mitzvah. Yum! It was fascinating to watch her go through the moves like the total pro she was—she hit all the popular poses, made all the usual faces, and said all the right things, bam bam bam. It’s like any bullshit job, I suppose—you’re on autopilot.

Then they finally called out the magic words: “THAT’S A WRAP!” Miss M. stood up and turned to the crew with her face, chest, and belly covered in sperm: “Who wants a huggggg??????” HA!!!!! Gooooooooooooooood times!

After that, she went off to get cleaned up, and the rest of us went back to get our checks for the day’s work. Those people are pros about every aspect of this business—to get my check, I had to have my photo taken with my ID up next to my face, proving I was over 18. Then I had to be filmed stating that I was over 18 and had not been asked to do anything I was uncomfortable doing. They covered all their bases. This was particularly interesting to me, as I’d had several friends “warn” me to be careful, that “those porn guys” are notorious for luring you in over your head. Not this production company. They are TOTAL PROS! Porn gets a bad rap, but in my experience it’s a business just like any other—only more straightforward.

And then I got the fuck out of there—I had another gig to be at in 15 minutes, but thankfully it was at the Cosmopolitan Hotel…mere feet away from the studio. The entire day was surreal. But all in all I had a total fucking blast, and it is my sincere hope that they use me again for one of their movies—apparently they shoot out here all the time, so I think my chances are pretty good! STAY TUNED!!!!! TC mark

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