October 5, 2016

Please Be Patient With Me, My Anxious Heart Is Still Learning How To Love

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Camila Cordeiro
Camila Cordeiro

My heart is an anxious vessel full of lonely nights and scribbled pages. My heart is a long narrative of empty promises and false hope. My heart has experienced the complete euphoria and abandonment that comes with falling in love. And my heart has fallen and shattered at the feet of the one that I loved so dearly. But my heart is resilient and it is healing. It is safe and it is getting stronger.

I have pondered what new love will look like. I have wondered if my heart will be able to recognize the next one who comes my way. And although my heart longs to fall in love again, history is riddled with sad endings and deep down, I know the journey to new love will be a slow one.

My anxious heart will tip-toe around this new love as if it is a volcano ready to erupt and burn me.

It will be reluctant to believe his words and look for doubt in his voice. My heart will see the end before the beginning and when I begin to fall for him, my heart will scream not to take the plunge. I want to love, I want to believe, I want to trust. But my heart is an anxious vessel.

Although my heart is vulnerable and so unsure, to whoever comes my way I ask that you be patient.

Do not mistake my distance for not wanting to know you. I want that truly, but I am afraid. Do not mistake my reluctance for an absence of feelings because the truth is, I am falling for you but I do not want to admit it to myself.

Do not mistake my tears for sadness. No, for my tears will be a realization that this is what love is supposed to be. A love that is there, that supports me, and values me. It’s a love that loves so deeply.

My anxious heart will break when it finds new love because this love will be true. My heart will break because it will realize how much less it has settled for. There will be a tug of war between my place of refuge and the uncertainty of following you into the unknown.

But when our souls meet, there will be a sweet happiness that I desperately long to embrace. I just need you to stay by my side and in time, I promise to love you with all my heart. TC mark

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