Thought Catalog
November 11, 2015

Here’s Why You Should Date The Undateable

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Twenty20 / andreeas
Twenty20 / andreeas

Okay, we’re not really undateable. But we’ve spent a good portion of our lives believing we are, and we all know what happens when we believe not-necessarily-true things for too long: those beliefs become strikingly similar to facts. Except they’re false, so they’re not actually facts. They just seem so—until they’re proven untrue.

And so it goes for the undateables: Independent, strong-willed, and fiercely vocal—though perhaps deeply hurt from all the things that can happen in the course of a life—we are layered creatures of extremes and sharp habits in a world that insists we should be softer, more acceptable, more lovable.

Some see us as difficult and even dangerous, a challenge not worth the time it might take for us to ease into a consistent relationship.

But for the few who look beyond that challenge and see a person who only wants to give and receive blissfully unconditional love, here’s why you should accept that challenge and give us a chance:

WE UNDERSTAND

Chances are we’ve been through stuff. Heavy stuff. Deep stuff. All kinds of stuff, good and bad and horrifying and electrifying and so on. Part of why we have a hard time connecting with people on a deeper level has to do with the fear of our “stuff” being too much for anyone else to want to hear. Sometimes we hold back our own truths and depths and wonders because at some point, it was made clear to us that these things were not appropriate for discussion in any capacity; we understood that if some of the most important influences in our lives couldn’t handle us and all our stuff, then no one could. And so we couldn’t share it, because if we did, we’d repel any and all chances of experiencing a deep relationship made of love and understanding.

Eventually, we learn that it’s in fact the opposite—that hiding our stuff actually prevents us from reaching the depth we crave. Only when we open up to share ourselves fully and truly do we realize the opportunity to connect with others—not only to show them who we are, but to give them the space to show us who they are, which they will because they will realize that we empathize. We’ve been there in our own ways. We know. We understand.

WE WILL CONSISTENTLY OPEN YOUR MIND AND HEART TO NEW WAYS OF THINKING AND FEELING

Another reason we stay clear of the dating arena is to protect ourselves from the inevitable shock of having to share our thoughts. (We are always thinking. Always.) And part of getting to know someone as deeply as we’d like involves sharing those multitudes of elaborate and profound thoughts for which we’ve probably been mocked or teased or completely misunderstood on countless occasions.

But the truth is that we’re actually quite intelligent, and we would love to have someone to turn our typically monological discussions into deeply curious dialogues every now and then. It’s likely that we’ve taken to solitude for so long that we’ll need some practice, but in truth, our excessively persistent minds ache to hear another voice sometimes.

We want to know the energy that zings around our insides when we’re with the person who loves us.

And when we do open up to that dialogue, we will almost always open up others’ minds and hearts in perhaps foreign and uncomfortable but crazy amazing ways. Whether we know it or not, we want that from them as well—to be blown away by their perspectives that would never have crossed our minds otherwise. We want to talk about everything and anything, even if it’s nothing. And we’re guaranteed to make the conversations worthwhile.

WE WANT TO LOVE YOU

Aside from whatever we’ve experienced in our lives that has led us to believe that we’re unloveable and therefore undateable (among other things), we still want what everyone else wants: To love and be loved. To give and receive in a deeply rich and beautiful relationship founded on an appreciation of truth, mind, and soul; unity and individuality; conversation and silence; the best and worst of another paired with the best and worst of ourselves.

We just want to love. We want to know the energy that zings around our insides when we’re with the person who loves us. We want to know how to experience life with that person, how to admire and forgive, how to be admired and forgiven. We want all of it.

So, even if we don’t necessarily know we want it yet—to open ourselves to loving and being loved by another, even if that means we might get hurt in all the ways we imagine—we do. We want that because love is necessary, even if we believe ourselves to be unloveable and undateable and other things that keep us from putting ourselves out there.

But maybe, just maybe, if you’re among the few who sees through the makeshift walls, you’ll see a soul longing to get to know and love yours. Maybe you’ll accept the challenges we pose, complete with all our “stuff” and thoughts and who knows what else, and you’ll ask for a date with the undateable.

And maybe then, you’ll fall in love with the unloveable—and it will all be worth it. TC mark