This Is My Apology For Not Believing In You

Apologies have never been my forte, I guess in this sense you can say we are alike. I’ve never been one to admit when I’m wrong, I’ve never had a knack for swallowing my pride. Each day is getting a bit heavier than the last, oxygen has succumbed to the weight of my regret. But with one final breath, I find the strength to whisper “I’m sorry” to you – the one I will never forget.

I’m sorry for never giving you a chance from the start, for letting others define who you are. I could see the potential in you the second that we met, buried under layers of false pretense. I could feel the life in you scratching at the surface, only to be crushed down with every word they said.

My heart wanted to believe in you, but my brain had made up its mind with every lie it was fed.

I’m sorry for always keeping my distance, for always staying three steps back. You were reaching out to me with arms made of clay, you would have done anything just to be loved. I should have listened to your cries for help, they weren’t characteristic of someone like you – someone so reserved. But instead, I pushed you away with every ounce of strength I had, convinced that love was not what you deserved.

I’m sorry for stopping you from growing into the person you wanted to become, for sculpting you to fulfill my selfish needs. I took advantage of your malleability, decided to walk all over you just as those who came before. You were too naive to think I could ever do you wrong, too shy to ever speak out. Your silence and indifference became my reinforcement, my justification for filling your mind with doubt after doubt.

I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me, for abandoning you the moment things got tough. I watched from afar as you cried yourself to sleep each night, as you drowned your sorrows with every bottle. Deep down I knew I had become the cause of your pain, the destruction of everything you once knew. But I couldn’t muster the courage to face you, not after all that I had put you through.

I’m sorry for letting you down time and time again, for not being the rock you so desperately needed. I knew in my heart what was right and what was wrong, but every fucking time it was the latter to which I conceded.

You deserved someone much better than me, someone who was able to hold on instead of letting go.

As I look up from the mirror, I find the strength to whisper “I’m sorry” to you – the reflection that I used to know.