To Those Who Almost Loved Me

“One day down,” I tell myself, as I lay awake in bed.

“You’ve made it one whole day.”

I pray for sleep to come quickly tonight, but the chances of that happening are highly unlikely, just like every other night this past month.

I just want to fast forward to tomorrow, so I can lay back down and finally say I have gone two days without talking to you.

It has been a month since our “almost’ relationship has ended. Honestly, I have always hated using the term “almost”, but it seems to be our generation’s favorite new word in the dating game The word almost is defined as not quite: as in not quite a relationship, not quite your girlfriend, not quite good enough. Adding the word almost to relationship makes it seem as if it was too insignificant to be real, but the truth is it was significant. At least to me, it was a real relationship, well almost…

It all started, in a whirlwind, unexpected, as most relationships do. Our paths crossed multiple times, bumping into each other at bars turned into planned hang out sessions and more. It all came so easliy, as if it was meant to be. Months passed by and the idea of us being in an “official” relationship dangled in front of me for so long, I thought it was only a matter of time. We had invested so much of ourselves, it was just bound to happen.

Fast forward a few months, I find myself trying to come up with a pathetic excuse to text you. Is it wrong to be so obvious? It pains me to stare so blankly at the empty inbox on my phone, remembering that not too long ago a constant smiled was plastered to my face because of you. To think how two people can go from talking every single day for months on end, to bam, suddenly nothing, cut off, cold turkey.

Now I sit here searching for clues, reading other articles on “almost” relationships, as if I am going to find the key, the secret, to win you back, to turn this “almost” into something. Like I am trying to prove to you that I am good enough to be in a real relationship. Sadly, you and I both know the truth, you can always hope for the best, but the thing about “almost” relationships is that they are too good to be true.

So I let the silence fill the room, my phone attached to me as if I am expecting an important call. Really I’m just half wishing you’d text me, even though I know that text won’t come. At least not now, not today and probably not tomorrow either, but it will, eventually.

It will come in a few weeks or so, when I have finally stopped counting the days that pass. When I found the courage to delete all your old messages and when you have finally stopped crossing my mind every hour on the hour. It will come when I don’t feel like a broken hearted little girl anymore, when I start to get over you.

Just like that you will pop back in, with one little text. Maybe it will be for a good reason, maybe it will be an excuse, whatever the reasoning I will cave and respond because ultimately you still make me weak. Although I know better, hearing from you causes some part of me to hope a little, maybe we will get another chance, maybe this time it will be for real.

Either way, we will exchange messages, meet up once or twice. Something might happen or it might not. Ultimately, in the end I will find myself back at square one… Me, laying in bed saying “One day, you’ve gone one whole day.”

This time around I tell myself I will be stronger, and it’s true. I will go through the same motions, until you hardly even cross my mind. So when the day comes again, where a text comes through, I will have the strength to press delete without responding, because I know I deserve more than to be “almost” loved.