You begin to envision your life with this person, this being who was once a stranger and now means more to you than you could have ever comprehended upon meeting him. You grow with him, he tells you things you hate hearing…but you know he’s right, and you know he loves you. He becomes a part of your routine, a daily ritual you’ve forgotten how you ever lived without.
He’s your person. He’s your go-to. He makes you laugh and watches all the movies you want to watch. You talk on the phone every night. You’ve even started a new TV series together, and you look forward to that time– even when neither of you are talking.
You’ve started making plans, and not just small plans anymore – big ones. You’ve talked about vacations and future and marriage. Because that’s what you do when you’re in love and together for a while, right?
You’ve talked about baby names and how much of a pain your kids are going to be. He checks off all the boxes on your list.
He’s handsome and sweet.
He’s good to your friends, and your family likes him.
And he loves you, even when he gives you a hard time, even when you give him one… You know, the guy’s in love with you.
You love him too. And you’ve made big plans. And that’s what makes it so hard to walk away.
There’s nothing wrong – not with him anyways. He’s not malicious. He doesn’t hurt you. He remembers your birthday, he tells you he loves you, and when you’re with him, it all feels all right.
But it’s the moments when you’re apart. The moments when you feel that ache in the pit of your stomach- the one without clear direction. The one your head is fighting with. It’s that thing that’s telling you you’re unhappy. You’re unhappy with this seemingly great guy, who’s done “nothing wrong.”
You feel guilty of course, because what kind of woman doesn’t want a man who cares for her? What kind of women tears up the big plans without a perfectly reasonable explanation? What kind of women “looks for something wrong?”
But, what if you can’t put words to the “why” and you’re still sick to your stomach every time you get in another fight over the same stupid things. What if the internal battle isn’t with whether or not you should end your perfectly fine relationship, but rather with the idea of maybe not ever meeting anyone who loves you the way he does again. Never meeting someone who checks off all the boxes.
What if your struggle isn’t actually trying to give words to the “why” but more so trying to find solace for when they tell you how great you two were together and you reminiscently agree. Or for when they ask you what happened and you have no story to tell.
What if finding the why is just comfort food to make you feel in control, while your heart has already made your decision without your permission.
What if he IS a really great guy, but the hole in your gut just continues to grow?
Here’s the thing. He might be incredible, he might say and do all the right things. He might be perfect on paper, and have all the qualities you expected your future husband to have… but this fight your feeling- might only get harder.
I mean this is the easy part, right? Because then its kids and financial struggles and sickness and unexpected tribulations. And if your gut and your heart can’t get through this without feeling like they’re raising a white flag, it’s going to catch up to you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in the next 10 years…. but it will catch up.
Sometimes you can’t give words to the reason. Sometimes you’re fighting for things that seem so silly, and you don’t realize your fighting against something so much bigger than that. Sometimes the small fights are really the fights helping you stray away from the big plans.
And sometimes you have to trust yourself.
Because sometimes everything is there except for the one thing that’s missing. And sometimes that one thing is as intangible as the air you breathe, but somehow just as critical.