Top 7 Non-Sexual Pornographers
7) Dan Brown
Target Arousee: Religious Skeptics, Conspiracy Theorists
Author of The Davinci Code, Angels and Demons and The Lost Symbol, Brown unabashedly shows you what Indiana Jones would have been if there was no divine power in the Arc or the Grail. Those people whose parents had them believing in Santa for way too long get their revenge on sacred institutions with each of these best-sellers.
6) M. Night Shyamalan
Target arousee: Twilight Zone fans.
While Shyamalan would love to be remembered as the second coming of Alfred Hitchcock, the truth is that his cannon’s supreme devotion lies with Rod Serling. And I think it’s telling that The Twilight Zone was such a critically acclaimed and popular hit, while Shyamalan’s name alone draws laughs from cinema crowds. Mind-bending alternate-universe mythology seems to have a half life of 15 minutes. Most of Sham’s flicks would make cool half hour TV-shows, but the average moviegoer simply don’t want to spend 11 bucks for a two-hour fantasy riddle. But to certain T-Zone fanatics, his films are un-missable.
5) Michael Bay
Target Arousee: Pyromaniacs
Did you ever wonder whether an explosion could play the lead character in a film? Most people don’t. Most people fail to see any human complexity in a ball of flame. This is simply because they’re not using their imagination. In a Michael Bay film, an explosion can be everything. It can be a mushroom cloud symbolizing a tertiary character’s past with psychedelic drugs. It can be an exploding car, symbolizing the looming threat of the technological singularity. It can simply be the spontaneous combustion of a factory, showing us the threat of anti-union de-regulation. If you get your rocks off on massive plumes of flame, Michael Bay’s films probably have posters located on your bedroom ceiling.
4) Clint Eastwood
Target Arousee: Clint Eastwood
Remember that movie about the old-fashioned Korean war vet whose humanity shone through to over-come his prejudices as he bad-assedly defended neighborhood families against gang members?
How about the old-fashioned boxing coach whose humanity shone through to over-come his sexism and ageism as he trained a young woman, eventually becoming like a father to her? A father so filled with humanity that he was able to compassionately help her pull the plug after she became paralized and life-support bound?
Clint Eastwood’s master plan is to take the best qualities of previous generations and adapt them with the best qualities of modern America to demonstrate the ultimate human being: Clint Eastwood. He even made sure to attach his name to Nelson Mandella’s legacy with Invictus. The only reason he didn’t play Nelson Mandella personally is presumably because he couldn’t feign interest in Rugby.
3) Oliver Stone
Target Arousee: Everybody
If you have a particular interest in something, and Oliver Stone is making a movie about it, congratulations. Because you have basically won the lottery. If you’re a Doors fan, he made the “Doorsiest” Doors movie humanly possible. If you have strong feelings about Vietnam, he made–not necaserilly the best, but certainly the “Vietnamiest” war movie ever. 9-11? Oh, he WENT there (really twice, if you count “W”, the biopic about GEORGE W BUSH!). If you think Kennedy’s assassination was a coup, cover-up, conspiracy, or anything other than the work of a disgruntled whack-job, then he made your favorite movie of all time. If Quenten Tarantino is your favorite film-maker, then guess what? Stone had no problem taking an UNUSUABLE Tarantino script (Natural Born Killers) and forcing it alive, just (presumably) for the sheer archival of it.
Some people say “nothing is sacred” with Oliver Stone, but the truth is the complete opposite. Nothing is NOT sacred! Everying is in fact SO SACRED, that he’s going to make a three hour major studio picture about it. When Oliver Stone’s involved, nothing less will do.
2) Nicholas Sparks
Target Arousee: Women
This romance author has plenty of credits to show his unabashed placation of women’s emotions, including Dear John and A Walk to Remember. But his masterwork–The Notebook–voluptuously caresses the prototypical female’s ideal of romance. The Notebook gives girls everything they could possibly ask for out of the very concept of love, transcending it above body, mind, god, matter and physics.
1) Quentin Tarantino
Target Arousee: Revenge Fantasizers, 70′s Nostalgics, Foot Fetishists, Wannabe Bad-Asses.
Quentin Tarantino is by far the most gratuitous film-maker on the planet. If you’ve daydreamed about it on the last day of school before summer vacation, he’s filmed it. Jewish-American soldiers torturing and killing Nazis by the dozen? Check. Chicks beating up a creepy serial-killer after powning him in a car-chase? Check. Uma Thurman’s feet for such an enduring close-up that Kill Bill had to be released in two parts? Check.
There’s almost no moment in any Tarantino film that doesn’t satiate some type of young man’s brain saying, “yo, how bad-ass would THIS be…” Hell, his invention of Jules in Pulp Fiction more or less created the modern bad-ass archetype.
Do you think it’d be cool if two mortal enemies found a common ground in killing a pair of redneck rapists who took advantage of them? Or, the idea of stylish criminals who wear suits and maintain a code of ethics even while breaking the law? Tarantino’s canon is filled with the greatest (and most) non-sexual money-shots in film history.
A | A | A
If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”