1. It feels so clinical. You meet for drinks (never for dinner because it’s too much of a time commitment) and then you size them up like a scientist would with a lab sample. There’s nothing really romantic about it. It feels very “I’m a human who’s wired for companionship so now I’m on the hunt for my mate.” Ooooh, sexy sizzle!
2. It’s depressing. Through dating, you get to discover just how many sad fucked up lonely people there are in the world and then you become resentful that you’re even in this category with them. I feel like people walk away from so many dates just being like, “Oh god, I hope I’m not as messed up as they are.”
3. You get insulted. Last night, I was having dinner with a couple of friends and one of the girls told us about a recent date she had been on where the guy told her she looked like HILARY CLINTON. Can you imagine? I mean, I love Hilary but when I think of her, I don’t exactly think about dropping my pants. What was this guy thinking? In what world did he think it was okay to compare a woman’s looks to Hilary Clinton’s? Ugh, that’s what I’m saying, though. When you go on dates with strangers, you have to wear a bulletproof vest for your self-esteem. Otherwise, you could end up sobbing before you even finish appetizers.
4. It’s expensive. Finding out if someone is going to love you or not takes time and lots of cash. Just to power through some awkward dates, I’ve had to gulp down four glasses of wine AKA spend forty dollars on someone I didn’t even like! Rude. It’s times like these I wish I were a girl so I could be like, “Annnddd you’re paying.”
5. It’s exhausting. Surviving bad dates sometimes feels like you’re performing in the Olympics. Like, if you’re seeing someone who is socially-awkward and you have to do all of the heavy lifting in the conversation? Terrible! You deserve a medal for having to endure that shit. They need to pay you once the date is over.
6. You feel violently insecure. If I’m lucky enough to go on a date with someone great, I still have to combat all my insecurities that tell me, “You’re not cute enough. Be funnier or else he will lose interest!” It’s so stressful having to be “on” all the time, like you’re doing a performance for somebody. I said in an earlier post once that being on a date feels like you’re holding in a giant fart — the fart being your true personality and feelings — and I hate holding in mental farts.
7. It’s alienating. My main takeaway message from bad dates is always this: I am going to die alone because I am apparently so different from every other human being on the planet. Dates are supposed to connect people but they usually just illuminate the gap. They usually just reinforce the reasons why you’re still single.