February 25, 2013

That Was The Worst Oscars Ever, Right?

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Gage Skidmore
Gage Skidmore

Was it just me or did the Oscars feel like one long unfunny fever dream last night? I kind of knew it was going to be a train wreck when it was announced that Seth MacFarlane was hosting. #NotClearOn why or how that happened. Perhaps because the theme was “Music in Film” this year, the Oscars wanted to make the whole affair seem less… homosexual? So they hired the only professional frat boy in Hollywood to curate the evening and give it some much-needed P on V relatability. Here’s the thing, though. I am not a member of the PC police. A lot of MacFarlane’s jokes, while misguided and annoying, didn’t leave me outraged. They were just painfully unfunny. That’s what pissed me off the most. If you’re going to be offensive, at least make me laugh hysterically before I realize that what you just said is fucked up on so many levels. But no. MacFarlane didn’t do that, None of his jokes landed in a big way for me, so all of his “pushing of the envelope” was done in vain.

Renee Zellweger. Please tell me you all took notice of the #dark faded star that is Renee Zellweger. Did anyone else think that she had just… disappeared? Like, maybe moved to Sedona to invest in healing crystals with her masseuse boyfriend, Mauve? I was shocked to see her at the Oscars this year. Maybe her old face and Nicole Kidman’s old face met up at craft services to shoot the shit and reminisce about the past. You never know. Speaking of Nicole Kidman, remember when her husband, Kenny Chesney, was married to Renee Zellweger, only to have the whole thing quickly annulled on account of fraud? Something tells me that Renee Zellweger lives a sad and lonely life.

Kristen Stewart looked amazing and kind of on heroin, which I love! I cannot and will not stand behind Kristen Stewart as an actress because homegirl has the screen presence of a piece of Styrofoam but I fully endorse her as a human being. I just LOVE a stoner who lives in the Valley and is always getting injured under mysterious circumstances.

Anne Hathaway. Oh my god. Anne “It came true” Hathaway. First of all, can I just say that I love how much gay guys hate Anne Hathaway? With all of their vitriol, you’d think that Hathaway was personally responsible for the existence of HIV or something. I don’t really get where all of this disdain is coming from. I know she comes across as annoying and faux-precious. You can tell that Anne Hathaway is OBSESSED with Anne Hathaway, which is gross, but still. She’s not the anti-christ.

And Jennifer Lawrence. Oh me, oh my. I, like everybody else, am in love with Jennifer Lawrence. Not only is she amazingly talented but she seems genuinely normal. Like, so many actors try to pretend that they’re humble and lead a boring life but with Lawrence, I actually believe it. I actually believe that she just sits in her condo in Santa Monica taking bong rips and watching DVR’d episodes of Say Yes To The Dress.

Everybody is freaking out about some drama involving the 9-year-old actress from Beasts Of The Southern Wild. I haven’t investigated it, though, so I have no idea what the brouhaha is about. Score for willful ignorance!

I was confused by the Oscars obsession with Chicago — a movie that came out a decade ago and was seen by this closeted homosexual four times in the movie theatre — but I didn’t mind it because at least that shit was better than Les Miserables.

I LOVED Adele’s performance. I actually just love Adele. Her music is great but what I really like about her the most is that she genuinely does not give a fuck about slimming down and conforming to Hollywood’s standard of beauty. She’s just like, “Fuck you. My voice is amazing. I’m eating ribs.”

Despite some nice moments, the Oscars were laughably bad this year because their conductor, Seth MacFarlane, had no idea what the hell he was doing. In what seemed like a self-fulfilling prophecy, William Shatner appeared for a bit in the opening, explaining to MacFarlane that he was ruining the Oscars and this is what he needed to do to make it better. The joke, which seemed to last forever, wasn’t funny because it was true. Seth MacFarlane WAS a terrible host. The reviews WOULD be terrible. No matter what he did to salvage it, it would remain broken. Here’s to hoping that they pick someone better next year. Neil Patrick Harris is good at everything and he’s gay but I bet he won’t construct an entire joke called, “I’ve Seen Your Dick.” TC Mark

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