7 Things Moms Like To Do
1. Worry 24/7 about their child being cold somewhere. I swear if I told my mom that I killed someone, her first question would not be “Why?!” but, “Well, did you at least remember to wear a sweater while doing it!?” What is it with moms caring so much about their offspring being chilly? Is it because they hate being cold? I’m at my mom’s house right now and I swear it’s like a fucking sauna in here. Still, my mom insists I sleep with eight blankets in case I ever freeze in the middle of the night. I’m laying in bed wrapped up like a seven-layer burrito, borderline-suffocating, mouthing to her “Please… help me…” and she’s just like, “Night, hon! If you get MORE chilly, there’s extra blankets in the hall closet, okay?”
2. Mispronounce words. People always joke about parents losing their memory as they get older and while that’s definitely true, I think we forget that they also don’t know how to say anything correctly. Hearing my mom try to say celebrities’ names (in particular, Beyonce) is a riot. “Is that Lara Del Rey? Lady GooGoo? Whoever it is, I don’t like her.” (Besides not being able to properly talk, moms love to make passing judgments on the rich and famous while scrunching up their noses in disgust.)
3. Be paranoid that everyone is up in their business. I don’t know why this is but moms always seem to be nervous that people are snooping into their affairs. “My neighbor, Barb, is so nosy! She needs to stay out of my life and respect my privacy!” It’s like, no offense, but who is so interested in the life of suburban moms? Who’s actually peering through their blinds into your mom’s house acting like a Nancy Drew detective? My mom spends her days brushing my dog’s hair and Googling pictures of salmon and timeshares in Mexico but somehow she believes that all eyes are on her!
4. Gossip, which is sooooo hilarious and hypocritical considering what I just previously mentioned. Moms are the original gossip girls but what’s so ironic is that their gossip isn’t even salacious. They will spend five minutes setting up a tidbit of so-called juicy gossip but in the end, it’s just something silly like, “This woman cut in line in front of me at the coffee shop and I kindly told her that I was here first but she just gave me a dirty look!” or “The lady who works in my supermarket’s deli has a major attitude problem.” Moms seem to always be slightly outraged about something but I’m convinced that they’re just AdDiCtEd to the DrAma!
5. Drive below the speed limit. I always yell at my mom for driving like a 90-year-old woman with prosthetic legs but she’s like, “I CAN’T DRIVE ANY FASTER, RYAN!” Today though, as we were driving to Applebee’s, she got pulled over by a cop for driving 10 MILES PER HOUR below the speed limit. My mom started to hyperventilate when she saw the siren go off and I just knew immediately that was the reason why she was being stopped. The cop came up to her window and the conversation went as follows:
Officer: Miss, are you okay?
My mom: Yes! WHY?
Officer: Because, for the past ten minutes, you’ve been driving way below the speed limit. You also came to a complete stop at a yield sign when there were clearly no cars coming in either direction….
My mom explained that she was just nervous because she saw that he had been following her and so she wanted to be extra cautious. Confused, he was like, “Uh, k.” and she was like, “OMG!!!!!!” and then he was just like, “I’m going to go now.” It’s been six hours since the fiasco and my mom is still having a meltdown and telling borderline-strangers on the street about it.
6. Talk about certain celebrities as if they know them IRL. My mom watches the Today show and Live With Kelly & Michael every day and talks about these people like they are her BFF’s at brunch. “Kathie-Lee is out sick today so that’s why Meredith (Vieira) is filling in, Ryan,” she told me this morning. “I think she has the flu bug that seems to be going around these days.” Really, mom? Did Kathie-Lee tell you this earlier today when y’all were Skyping? Did she send ya a text?
7. Send you a text that says “CALL NOW” when you haven’t been picking up their phone calls. You of course dial them immediately thinking that someone must’ve died but it turns out they just wanted to chat with you. “Is everything okay, mom?” you blurt out when they pick up the phone. “Sure it is, sweetie,” they respond, confused by the sound of panic in your voice. “How are you? Why haven’t you been returning my calls?” Oops, you’ve been tricked, Mom-style. They got you again!
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”