1. The first best friend you made in college
Everyone knows the first best friend you make in college eventually becomes YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE. Delete, delete, delete. Besides, you already know what they’ve been up to thanks to Facebook. They’re living in Clovis, California and working at an ice cream shop called Fro-Yo-No-No.
2. The guy you used to buy drugs from in 2008
HE’S DEAD. Or you slept with him once and can’t show your face again.
3. The person who you honestly don’t know
Who is Chelsea Meyer? You’ve tried Googling her but nothing comes up other than an obituary for a 94-year-old woman from Worcester, Massachusetts. In frustrated moments, you fantasize texting them to find out the truth but nobody’s ever that brazen in 2013. My friends won’t even answer private numbers.
4. The person who’s listed under “Don’t answer”
Everybody’s got one, right? Mine is a person who came up to me in a gay bar in West Hollywood once and told me to stand up. Without thinking, I just did as told and then the guy stared me up and down and asked me if I was interested in modeling. (Hold your horses. This is not a #humblebrag. I had just gotten hit by a car and was wearing a cast, for god’s sakes!) I told him maybe and he asked for my number. Long story short, I found out he wasn’t a model scout or a photographer. He was a waiter at a restaurant called The Farm. It took a series of texts of me asking him, “No, but like what do you actually do for a living?” to figure that one out and when I did, I bid farewell to my dreams of becoming America’s Next Top Model and never spoke to the guy again.
5. An acquaintance from high school
Because no. Also, how do you still somehow know their number by heart and not your own parents?
6. The person you lost your virginity to
What could you possibly text them? “Hey, have you had sex with anyone since me?!!!” Or: “After we had sex for the first time, I weeped silently in the space between the wall and your bed. Happy New Years! LOVE N’ LIGHT!”
7. Your friend’s ex-boyfriend
You’re not even sure how or why you got their number. Your friend must’ve not had their phone one night and suggested that you contact their BF if you want to get ahold of them. Regardless, the number is now useless. Why would you ever need to contact your friend’s ex other than to maybe send a text that says, “YOU RUINED MY FRIEND’S LIFE!!!aDFKMNBRJRT9R!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!”
8. That person you used to hook up with during that weird time in your life
This guy never met your friends. You never went on a date. All you know is his apartment, the fact that he likes to eat rice pudding after sex and has a plethora of intimacy issues. His number represents a different #dark time for you. It’s a reminder of what you don’t want so just purge the motherfucker.
9. Your most recent ex
Only necessary if you’re still texting them the lyrics to Lisa Loeb’s “Stay” after drinking three glasses of wine.