23 Things That Will Cause A Shame Spiral In Your 20s
1. Take a long flight and discover upon landing that you have no new texts or voicemails.
2. Cyber-stalk your ex or anyone else who is guaranteed to cause you emotional pain.
3. Decide that you need a fun night out and accidentally drink so much that you puke. Bonus misery points if someone offers you a line of coke and you say yes. Coke invented the shame spiral, just FYI.
4. Have a boss who’s younger than you.
5. Turn any age. Birthdays are the place where many epic shame spirals live.
6. Try to kiss your ex in a moment of drunken honesty and have them be like, “No.”
7. Find an old chocolate bar wrapper (the fancy $4.00 Swiss kind) in a stack of your clothes and realize that you hid it there because you didn’t want your roommate to know about your secret eating habits.
8. Wave back at someone who’s waving at you and discover that the wave was meant for someone behind you.
9. Run into an old classmate whose name you can’t remember. “OMG, I can’t believe I’m seeing you again! I’ve missed you so much!” “Yes,” you respond cautiously. “I’ve missed you too… babe.”
10. Forget to lock the door on a public restroom and have someone walk in on you pooping. “SOMEONE’S IN HERE!” you’ll scream bloody murder. “I AM IN HERE!”
11. Get rejected by someone you weren’t even into. This is such a humiliating shame spiral, oh my god. WHY?!
12. Hear the sound of your voice and wonder why anyone even bothers to talk to you. Has anyone ever heard the sound of their voice before and been like, “Yup, that sounds about right. Love it!”
13. Have a worker at Chipotle remember you. Note: the people at Chipotle should never have your face and/or order memorized. Just walk away slowly and into the arms of a bed of kale.
14. Run into someone during your walk-of-shame. “Hey babe, what are you doing on this side of town?” “Making mistakes, clearly.”
15. Accidentally like an Instagram picture of someone you don’t follow.
16. Have someone come up to you and ask, “Rough night last night?” when in fact you went to bed at a reasonable hour and showered in the morning.
17. Find out that people born in 1991 are more successful than you.
18. Have your mom tell you, “Wow, I’ve never seen you eat this much before!”
19. Revisit the musical stylings of any of your favorite bands in high school.
20. Be unemployed. Unemployment is one long shame spiral that never ends. Until you get a job, that is.
21. So is being gay! (JK. Sorta.)
22. Sleep with someone you hate or who hates you. Sex is only good when the hate is mutual. If it’s one-sided, it’s just sad.
23. Feel your heart deflate when you discover that your DVR forgot to tape the new episode of your favorite show. Time to get a life, I guess!
23. Have someone tell you that you look healthy. Because we all know what that means!
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The fact that you have to be some sort of wizard to put the string back into a hoodie once it comes out.
DIY beauty treatments.
My father was a 911-call taker. The worst calls he got were suicide calls where pretty much all he heard was someone immediately saying “hello, my name is John doe and I live at 123 abc Street and I’m going to kill myself…bang.”
This dangerously real replica of Arya Stark’s infamous “Needle” is, I think, capable of skewering little fat boys, impaling indignantly injured kids’ necks (and killing them), or using for some seriously epic shish kebabs. Probably don’t get this for a kid!