1. They greet you like this: waving excitedly, seemingly on their tippy-toes, before waddling over to you and speaking at a deafening volume. They’re so loud that people around you actually look up from what they’re doing to stare at the both of you in annoyance. You want to tell them, “No! That’s not me! I talk normally. I’m the normal one! My friend here just has no social awareness!” But the damage is done. Like Robin Tunney once said to Skeet Ulrich in The Craft: “You are who you hang with!”
2. They send you another text message if you don’t respond to their first one after ten minutes. Anxiety and insecurity takes over and they start freaking out that they sent you something stupid. They must not be responding because they hate you, because you sent them a poorly-worded text and revealed yourself to be a psycho. So, of course, naturally the way to dispel this notion is to send them ANOTHER text apologizing for the previous one. Yes. That doesn’t make you look more like a bugaboo at all.
3. They invite themselves to your plans. “Oh, you’re going to that party tonight? That sounds fun. I guess I’ll go too then.” SLOW DOWN THERE, COWBOY. You can’t just do that. Like sex, hangout sessions need to be consensual. You can’t just barge your way into someone’s schedule.
4. They “like” all of your Facebook profile pictures in the span of five minutes.
5. They “favorite” a tweet of yours from four months ago. GIRL, I CAUGHT YOU. You fell down a k-hole while lurking me and now you can’t get up, can you?
6. They don’t know when to end a texting conversation. I mean seriously, do I have to text “I gotta go see you later” for you to get the memo that we’re done chatting?
7. You introduce them to your circle of close friends and within a month, they’re somehow best friends with all of them. “WHAT? HOW?!” you’ll think to yourself as you see Instagram photos of all of your friends hanging out without you.
8. They look through your phone and computer without asking you.
9. They read over your shoulder/an inch away from your face, blissfully unaware of people’s boundaries.
10. They text you constantly asking to hanging out. At first you’d lie and make up some flimsy excuse but then you just stopped responding altogether. Shockingly though, they still send you texts. If you look at your iPhone text history, it looks like they’re just having a conversation with themselves.
11. They make up inside jokes between the two of you without your permission. “Hey Corn Dog Blizzard Boo Man, what’s happening?” Excuse me?
12. They keep you requesting you on LinkedIn. “You think this is the face of a person who can get you a job?! Also, hi, I actually don’t know who you are.”
13. You have to call MCI to cut the phone calls, break your lease so you can move, call AOL to make the emails stop. Why? Because someone’s a bugaboo. They’re bugging what, they’re bugging who, they’re bugging you, and don’t you see, it ain’t cool!
I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris.