The Pros And Cons Of Being Single
Pro: When you’re hungover and vomiting on a Saturday morning, you can take solace in knowing that you’re all alone and won’t be seen and judged by anyone — except God, of course! Seriously though, when I wake up with even the slightest hangover, I’m thankful that I don’t have to deal with anyone touching me. I can ride out the misery in peace.
Con: Why were you drinking so much, babe? Is it because you’re secretly miserable about being ALL ALONE? I doubt you would’ve drank so much if you had someone who loved you by your side…
Pro: You can plan your entire life without putting anyone else’s thoughts and feelings into consideration. Want to go away for a month and, like, look at dolphins and drink margaritas or wanna rent a cabin in the woods and build your own Walden pond? Do it! You don’t have anyone’s private parts holding you back. Since you’re not doing anyone else at the moment, just do you!
Con: But, boy, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to go on a vacation with a lover and have sex all day in a new bed? Sure, it feels great being selfish and doing whatever you want, but it would also feel nice planning big life moves with someone else. Also, you’re pretty sure that being single has turned you into an inflexible brat who doesn’t understand the art of compromise. If you were in a relationship, perhaps you could evolve? Hon?
Pro: YOU GET TO HAVE SEX WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT WHENEVER YOU WANT. People in relationships are jealous that you can just go up to someone and be like “Meet me in my ‘hidden place’ in five minutes!” Monogamous people want that! They are totes secretly bummed that they committed to one person’s genitalia for the rest of their life. Suckers!
Con: Wait, even though it feels good to bone in an unattached way, you miss the security of having guaranteed sex. Single people have to work in order to get laid. It requires some serious effort whereas people in relationships can just be like, “K, I’m ready.” You want that! You want to be able to get sex without leaving your apartment and, no, you won’t hire a hooker.
Pro: You get to dedicate more time to your AMAZING friends. Gosh, you’ve missed them. Your schedules have just gotten so cray cray lately but now you’ll be able to spend some much-needed bonding time.
Con: Oh shoot, all my friends got boyfriends when I wasn’t looking. Okay, I guess I’ll bond with myself then!
Pro: You can indulge all your gross behaviors. You don’t have to hold farts in. You don’t have to deal with poop anxiety. You don’t have to pretend you’re not hungry and order a salad at dinner. When you’re single, it’s always going to be “Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.”
Con: Sometimes it’s not good to be the most disgusting version of yourself. Just sayin’, babe!
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But when you’re on day nine of a trip and you have zero clean clothes, you’re struggling to remember if the last time you showered was Tuesday or Wednesday, and you haven’t worn make up or brushed your hair in a week, you bond with these people.
Ideally, we would be cognizant enough of the need that exists in our communities—for children, for veterans, for the homeless and the hungry, for the disadvantaged—because the circumstances through which most people find themselves in a position of need are generally out of their control.
Allow yourself to mourn the loss of love, and heal from those wounds. Don’t run into the arms of another lover, you will not find peace there: you will only accumulate more to heal from.
Prior to September 15, 1983, buying items in bulk made you look like either a criminal suspect or an obsessive hoarder.