A List Of People Taylor Swift Hasn’t Dated Yet
1. Angus T. Jones from Two and a Half Men
I’m not really sure why Taylor Swift hasn’t dated freak of the moment, Angus T. Jones yet. I mean, she’s already shacked up with half the closeted gay dudes in Hollywood, an underage Kennedy, and noted Lothario John Mayer. What’s stopping her from being with someone who’s in a religious cult? Plus, imagine the songs she’d get out of the doomed romance! “You’re Not Even Half Of The Two And A Half Men I Thought U Were!” and “U + Ur Cult = I’m Rly Scared Rite Now.” Of course, with Taylor there’s always time to turn this fantasy into a terrifying reality so we’ll see what hapens with these two crazy kids!
2. Suri Cruise
Taylor’s dated all types of people — gay, straight, young, old, vegetable, animal, mineral — but, for some strange reason, she has yet to date a woman or a small child. Thankfully, if she got into a whirlwind romance with Suri Cruise, she’d be killing two birds with one very illegal and disturbing stone. Now I know what you must be thinking: Suri is too pretty to date someone like Taylor plus the height difference would make kissing pretty difficult. I TOTALLY hear you on those issues but I think it’s important that we all look beyond the superficial and just acknowledge the fact that Suri and Taylor could have a real potential love connection. I mean, they have so much in common! They both love to shop and text and act like babies. Plus, they’re both used to living their lives in the public eye. When they get followed by paparazzi on their romantic dates to Baskin Robbins and Chuck E. Cheese’s, they’ll be annoyed, sure, but they’ll also be so used to the attention that it won’t matter all that much.
Potential song titles: “That Time You Got Pink Eye In The Jolly Jump And I Took Care Of You (Darkchild Remix)” and “I Promise I’m Not Going To Fuck Your Dad, JEEEZ!”
3. James Franco
Okay, why haven’t these two dated yet? Like, they must’ve at least met and had sex in an elevator once before so why not just make it official? I could see James wooing Taylor by writing her love letters entirely composed out of his own cum and Taylor being like “Ew, you’re sick but okay!!!!” Their relationship would never work out because James is too alternative and, well, gay (not like that’s stopped Taylor before) but it’d be entertaining while it lasted. “With James, I went places I wasn’t comfortable… emotionally or sexually,” Taylor would reveal in a post breakup interview in Rolling Stone. “He’s also awake 23 hours a day so it was impossible to have some “me” time, you know?’
Potential song titles: “James, Your Penis Smells,” “James, Your Penis Is Small” and “James, Stop Showing Me Your Penis!”
4. Anyone Who’s Not Famous
I get that famous people date each other because they understand each other’s strange schedules and the whole “having your photo taken by strange men” thing but Jesus Christ, Taylor is a FAME Queen. Does she just check the stats on Billboard mag and date every guy who’s sold as many records as her? She’s never not dated someone who’s well-known. The closest she’s come to “roughing it” is when she dated a Kennedy which, you know, don’t cry for me, Argentina. If that’s your version of a downgrade, I’d say you have nothing to complain about. I would love to see Taylor mix it up a bit though and date some regular 22-year-old trustafarian. WOULDN’T YOU? If for nothing else, she should do it for her art.
Potential song titles: “My Lil’ Salt Of The Earth” and “OMG, My Boyfriend Is Po’”
5. Kanye West
Just kidding, you know these two have hooked up.
A | A | A
You break it to them as softly as can. They immediately beg you to stay.
As much as I appreciate someone telling me to keep my chin up when going through a hard time, I’m fairly certain I’d rather them let me punch dance out my rage in their backyard.
At their biological core, men are ruled by sexuality. They identify potential mates using their eyes first, while women take a more complicated approach.
You probably thought I was going to recommend Orange Is The New Black but I’m not.